listening

Obviously I have a severe case of writer's block. Been really busy, but want to write, just need to do it!

We've been talking for last few weeks about faith and justice, trying to get our small faith community to try to see people, life, issues--from God's perspective, and from the perspective of those who are different. I think that those of us in power--for the most part, white, upper middle class Americans--struggle to read the Bible as God intends--because much of it is written to the poor, oppressed, and marginalized.

So I want to find ways to help our folks see God's heart for people like that; but struggle in how to do it. What do I say? What stories do we tell? What videos do we watch that will help us get it? Then it hit me that we need to stop trying to say too much; and start with listening. Being quiet and still before God. Instead of discussing with each other and giving our ideas and answers, we need to be humble and pray and ask God to change our hearts, our perspectives, and to help us see more with His perspective.

So I'm trying to be quiet and listen, and encourage our folks to do the same.

Brian McLaren interview

Here's a great interview with Brian on The Wittenburg Door.

slowly working through Pete Rollins's book

Haven't posted about Pete Rollins lately...from chapter three of How (Not) To Speak of God:

...our reflections on God never bring us to God...speaking of God is never speaking of God but only ever speaking about our understanding of God. (p. 32)

This inspires me to seek God humbly. To strive to know Him better, and receive His love; but not to think I've got Him figured out. When I read others who say the Bible is clear and without ambiguity; I just don't think that's honest. The Bible is wonderful and confusing and beautiful and mysterious. I don't think God wants it to be easy for us. I think he wants us to pursue Him and wrestle with the Bible; always asking and listening and learning.

Here is one of the posters from Emerging Grace:

check this out

There is this huge thing going on between emerging church folks and several folks who run watchdog websites--people who feel it's their calling to point out why everybody who thinks differently is wrong.

One of these sites is Pyromaniacs. They recently published a series of posters mocking the emerging church conversation. They are very creative, but a little mean-spirited.

Emerging Grace has just published a series of posters that better represent her perspective on the conversation. They are really wonderful.

oops

Two days ago I said I was going to try to post every day. That didn't last long! It's 11 pm; I'm totally and completely exhausted. After a very stressful week I preached twice today; at New Hope (our old church) in the morning, and at Convergence tonight. I don't see how many pastors do this every week.

But it's a good kind of exhaustion; it was a good day; got to spend time with a lot of friends, old and new.

I spoke this morning about finding our identity in God's love. Simple yet profound; something that I think many of us just don't get. I spent some time reading some other blogs; watching people fight about doctrine and right belief; totally void of the love of God. Sad. I shouldn't waste my time there; but it's like passing an accident and not being able to keep from looking.

Now this is eternal life: that they know you, the only true God, and Jesus Christ, whom you have sent.

John 17:3

random thoughts

I'm allowing myself to be way too busy. I'm going to try to start writing every day; even if it's just a sentence or two. God is getting our attention in a big way right now. We recently found out our health insurance is not going to cover Jamie's pregnancy and delivery of the baby (Jamie is due in 6 weeks). There was a waiting period when we added Jamie to the policy, and we didn't read the fine print. Dumb mistake on my part; but I'm not going to dwell on it...

This has forced us to our knees, praying for faith that God will provide, and wisdom to make good decisions. I'm stressed, but that keeps me turning to God. We've talked about doing a home birth with a nurse or midwife--anyone have any experience with that?

I'm working on a sermon for Sunday--preaching at New Hope, my old church--about how we often find our identity in what we do, rather than in God. Very good stuff for me; I'll post some notes and thoughts when I'm done.

I am grateful to Stushie, who reviewed my blog here and encouraged me to write more often.

baseball

I went to the Nationals' game vs. the Cubs Monday night with John, Kenny, and Ed. I love baseball. There is something about the perfect symmetry of the field, the green grass, the relaxed pace that suddenly gets broken by a hit or a run...the ballpark has always been one of my favorite places to watch, eat, drink, and hang with friends.

But baseball is also hard for me these days. I used to umpire high school ball in Texas; it was a real joy and passion in my life. As a single guy, I worked games 5-6 days a week and loved it. My best friends were guys I worked with. Some of my favorite memories are umping tournament games at the Rangers Little League park, then going out for dinner and beers with my buddies. I remember working a no-hitter thrown by a guy that later got drafted. I once worked a ten-year-old AAU national championship game--what a celebration!

Since moving to VA and becoming a husband and father, baseball has taken a backseat. I haven't umped a game in five years; and I really miss it. I can't drive by a high school field without feeling a deep sense of loss and longing. And if there's actually a game going on when I drive by--forget it; I'm depressed for a few hours.

Now, I wouldn't change anything--my wife and kids give me more joy than I've ever known. But I still miss baseball. I hope that in a few years, when we're past the baby stage, I'll be able to get back into it. I look forward to taking Brady to his first major league game, and teaching him the intricacies of the game. Baseball is a lot like life--full of beauty, sometimes slow and relaxed, sometimes full of confusion and surprise and heartbreak. Some games you can't wait for the end; others you wish would go on forever.

As I sat and watched the other night, I felt so content; happy to be with my friends, feeling a cool summer breeze, seeing some good baseball action, and thinking of my family waiting at home for me--one of those "life is good" moments.

freedom

last night we talked about bondage and freedom. In studying and preparing, I wrestled with the idea of freedom in Christ. Where is that balance between not being under the law, yet not having freedom to do anything and everything we want. If there are things we can't or shouldn't do, are we truly free?

Then it hit me that freedom isn't about being able or allowed to do anything/everything; freedom is about connecting with God, and being free, (not being restricted) from anything that gets in the way of us becoming God's. Freedom is living life the way God intended; loving Him, loving people. True freedom helps us be authentic, who we truly are.

We talked about being in bondage to things--the law, guilt, selfishness, bad habits, negative self talk, a sense of duty, unhealthy relationships...but we can also be in bondage to things that appear to be good--serving, ministry, work; if we do them because we think we ought to.

True freedom is becoming all that I can when God's Spirit lives in and through my life. It happens as there is less and less between God and me, and more of Him in me.

change

nothing huge to say tonight; just some random thoughts about change, which we talked about in worship Sunday night...one of our men pointed out that everything in the universe changes; I know that's kind of obvious, but I had never really given it much thought. Pretty cool...

I looked back over my own life and was amazed at how much (and how often) change has occurred. Even skipping over the childhood changes, here's a run-down:
15--parents divorced
17--fell in love/got my heart broken
18--finished high school
joined the army
went to Colorado
partied hard for 2 years
20--started college
became a Christian
24--ended 3 year relationship
25--grad. college
started full-time ministry
27--moved to Fort Worth, TX
10 years in TX--8 homes, 6 jobs, 5 girlfriends
37--moved back to VA
38--got married
gained a daughter
lost my father
39--bought first house
41--fathered a son
became a lead pastor
42--another baby coming

it never slows down!

We talked about how some people thrive on change, while others are uncomfortable or fearful of change.

I also began thinking about how change happens in two ways:

1. change that we initiate; taking risk, attempting something new, making a decision that leads to change
2. change that happens to us, outside our control, because of choices other people make, or God, or chance...

I guess it's about approaching life proactively or reactively. I think those that seek change (for good reasons) tend to get the most out of life, or enjoy it most.

So my question/challenge for anyone reading this: look at change in your life--do you initiate change, or is it something that tends to happen to you? I'd love to hear comments!

a great deal, and great tv

check out this incredible deal at amazon. Brian McLaren's A New Kind of Christian trilogy boxed set, usually $65.85, on sale for $13.17! These books really changed a lot of how I think about and see and experience God. I know Brian is considered controversial by some; but honestly, these books are phenomenal. I bought 5 today to hold onto for future gifts.
Update: the sale is over. bummer.

I'm not usually a fan of reality TV, but my favorite new show is Top Chef, on Bravo. It's kind of like Survivor meets American Idol meets Rachel Ray. It's fun watching the contestants create these incredible dishes, and also watch them get competitive with each other. Check it out Wednesdays at 10 pm.

seeing yet not fully seeing God

From How (Not) To Speak of God, by Pete Rollins, chapter 2:

...we ought to affirm our view of God while at the same time realizing that that view is inadequate...it is important to bear in mind that this deconstruction is not destruction, for the questioning it engages in is not designed to undermine God but to affirm God.

I am grateful that God, while being above and beyond my grasp, makes Himself real and available to me. I do not have these conversations about God apart from Him, rather, He is a part of these discussions. I do not wrestle with questions of theology and philosophy on my own, I do it with Him! My doubts and struggles and questions do not undermine or diminish God--they could never do that--instead they make Him more real to me. The mystery doesn't keep me from him, rather it causes me to pursue Him more!

a rare sunday morning at home

not speaking anywhere this morning; trying to get a paper done for school--it's going to be late :(

The rest of the family is gone; so I'm having some quiet time before getting back to the paper. I have been reading Elizabeth Edwards's book Saving Graces. I spent the last half hour crying as I read the chapter about the death of her 16-year-old son. Obviously being a father with a pre-teen, a baby, and a baby on the way makes this hit home. I lost my father three years ago, and still grieve over that; but I cannot imagine losing one of my children.

Mrs. Edwards writes with honesty and strength and beauty. The book is wonderful (so far); I highly recommend it.

rough day

today was one of the roughest days I've had since becoming a pastor. One of our friends who has worshiped with us several times sent an email with feedback on last night's worship. Most of the feedback she has given in the past has been very positive; but this one was extremely negative, from start to finish, and most of it was about me.

I tend to be very sensitive, and was exhausted after working all weekend; so the email hit me pretty hard. I let myself feel the pain of being harshly criticized for a while, then tried to evaluate the criticism. Much of it was founded. We evaluate our worship honestly each week, and I was thinking some of the same things. We had a discussion about wisdom; and the discussion never really moved beyond pat, "churchy" answers. Not what we wanted; but we were not prepared enough to go where I would have liked to take it. That's our fault, and I know we'll learn from that.

I think what was hardest was not the criticisms, but the way they were presented. Email is tough; you don't see facial expressions or hear someone's tone of voice. It was also hard because there was nothing positive, just one negative after another. It's always easier to take criticism if there is some encouragement as well.

It also hurt because this is a person I genuinely like. We've had a few conversations that I really enjoyed; and I have been looking forward to growing a friendship. I hope that will still happen. I also hope they will not be put off by this experience. I say all the time that worship is different week to week; I hope they will give us another chance!

speaking God's name

How (Not) to Speak of God, Pete Rollins, chapter 2:

God is not a theoretical problem to somehow resolve but rather a mystery to be participated in...'knowing' in the Hebrew tradition is about engaging in an intimate encounter rather than describing some objective fact: religious truth is thus that which transforms reality rather than that which describes it. (p. 23, emphasis mine)

Why are some people so opposed to mystery? Why do they belittle the faith of those who speak of God in these ways? Are people afraid that God can't do what he wants in the lives of people unless they figure him out and come to absolute conclusions about Him? Isn't He great enough to work in the midst of mystery?

If I had to choose between understanding God or experiencing God; I'd take the latter. But I don't think we have to choose; I think both are possible to a point...but that understanding comes in bits and pieces, in many ways. Since I have been letting go of trying to make the Bible and my theology fit into a neat package, I've experience God in so many ways--through the Bible, through God's Spirit, through relationships, through daily life, through Creation. I've said before nothing helps me know and experience the love of God more than the relationships I have with my children.

Yesterday B said his first word. I wish it was "daddy," but it wasn't. It was "Grandpa." Sitting and playing on my step-dad J's lap, he said "Grandpa;" not once, but four times! It was beautiful seeing the tears of joy in J's face. As a baby, B doesn't know or understand a lot. But he knows who loves him, and he knows who he loves, and he expressed his love in a beautiful way simply by saying the name of the one he loves. "Grandpa."

May we love the same way, "Father...Abba...Daddy..."

One of my struggles is reading the emerging church watchdogs. I know I shouldn't; it's a waste of time, but I do it anyway. The more I read, the more I'm amazed that professing Christians can behave this way. Maybe by sharing some of this and trying to laugh about it will help me not get so frustrated about it. A recent favorite was the guy who referred to the emerging conversation as the "emergent church spiritual bowel movement. ." Kind of ironic since he also refers to emergents as "potty-mouths."

defining God v. responding to God

More great stuff from Pete Rollins, How (Not) to Speak of God, chapter 2:

The difference between the idea that our Christian traditions describe God and the view that they are worshipful responses to God is important to grasp, for while the former seeks to define, the latter is engaged with response. (p. 21)

I find that I connect with God more these days when I worship Him and respond to Him rather than trying to figure him out...Not that I don't ask questions; I'm finishing a philosophy course titled "Who is God" that is kicking my butt. It's got me asking all kinds of questions about omnipotence, foreknowledge, prayer, hell, suffering...But I find myself interacting with God more than ever in the midst of those questions. I used to feel like not knowing or understanding something made me feel further from Him; but now I feel just the opposite--questioning and seeking draw me to Him.

traffic advice

Here's some simple but great advice from CoolPeopleCare--an organization worth checking out! I've been trying to do some of this--it makes a huge difference in my attitude to let people in rather than getting mad.

Let Someone In
by Sam Davidson

You're not in that much of a hurry.You stopped speeding, you use your blinker all the time, and you finally curtailed all of that nasty road rage. Prove it by letting someone else in. Even though you took Driver’s Ed., you're still not sure whose turn it is at those pesky four-way stops, blinking lights, or nervous roundabouts. Take the high road and motion your fellow travelers to go ahead of you. You'll be sure not to waste time with a fender bender, and someone's day might be made a little brighter by your generosity. Let one person cut in front of you in traffic today.

Doug Pagitt jumps in

In February, at the National Pastors' Convention, my friend Josh and I had the opportunity to spend some time in conversation with Doug Pagitt. We were talking about the Christian watchdogs on the internet (which I often read, and hate myself for wasting the time). I told him that he was still kind of under their radar. Not any more. Last week Doug was interviewed by Ingrid Schlueter, (one of the watchdogs). You can listen here.

A lot of folks have jumped into the conversation. I'm glad so many have offered Doug their encouragement (not that he needs it...my guess is that Doug is pretty secure and not too upset by the criticism). One of the best responses is here on Fajita's blog.

I'm convinced there are two kinds of people who listen to and read these watchdogs (they call themselves discernment ministries--but I don't really see any ministry being done, only judging and condemning anyone who has a different perspective. They are most adamant about condemning successful ministries).

I think the people reading the watchdogs are:
1. People who have made up their minds about all matters of faith and have nothing more to discuss. They are convinced that they are right about everything and anyone who disagrees is wrong. They find support when they slam others and have their friends encourage them to keep it up.

2. People like me who read them, still amazed that people who call themselves Christians can be so oblivious to one of the Bible's main themes--to love one another. Now, they say they are loving, by telling the truth in love, but come on--there is no encouragement, only condemnation in their speech.

People read this stuff because they agree with it, or they don't. I really doubt that anyone is changing their minds because of it.

I also find it sad that they lump together a wide variety of churches and styles and perspectives, ie. emerging church, emergent, seeker-senstitive, megachurch, purpose-driven, contemporary worship, and announce that all those involved in these types of ministries are deceived, and that all leaders are bound for hell.

OK, I'll get off my soapbox for now.

on a lighter note...

ever have a tough time parking? take a few minutes, relax, and enjoy...

catching up, Johnny Cash, Pete Rollins

Been way too busy; always feel behind, too much to do, not enough time. It's 1:30 am and I should be in bed...

Sunday was great, we talked about the unique path that each of us takes as we walk through life with Jesus, and how God uses all of who we are. I used Johnny Cash as an example--a man who sought God; was sometimes very close to Him, other times off on his own, but artistically and spiritually was an amazing man. We watched the video to the song "Hurt." (click to see the video) If you've never seen it; stop and watch it now. It's the most powerful music video I've ever seen.

OK, more Pete Rollins; chapter 2, short but deep:

the relationship we have with God cannot be reduced to our understanding of that relationship.

Think about that for a while; I'm going to bed.

42

Today is my 42nd birthday. It was a great day...started with a walk through the neighborhood with Brady...then off to work, where Lisa, Joy and Kurt gave me a birthday cake and sang to me at staff meeting...lunch with my friend Fred at the original Hard Times Cafe in Oldtown...tonight a beer with Josh, Tom and Lore at RiRa's, a great Irish restaurant. I'm so grateful for terrific friends!

embraced by God

More from Pete Rollins, How (Not) to Speak of God, chapter one:

The emerging Church is thus able to leave aside the need for clarity and open up the way for us to accept the fact that what is important is that we are embraced by the beloved rather than finding agreement concerning how we ought to understand the beloved (as if a baby can only really love her mother if she understands her.)

I love the comparison of our love for God with the love of a baby for her mother. My relationship with my son Brady (11 months) has enriched my relationship with God. I better grasp His love for me because of the incredible love I have for Brady. I am filled with the purest joy I've ever known each time I look at him.

When he reaches his arms out for me, I pull him to my chest and hold him tight--that's the most wonderful feeling I've ever known. At the same time I see his love for me, his desire to hold onto me and play with me. I want to have that same love and desire for God; to simply long to be in His presence, in His arms.

transformation and revelation

Pete Rollins, How (Not) to Speak of God, chapter one continued:

What is important about revelation is not that we seek to interpret it in the same way but rather that we all love it and are transformed by it.

I really like this. I need to hear this (I think a lot of us do--on both sides of the emergent fence). We get so caught up in explaining and arguing and conversing; we are spending a lot of time talking about God, and not much time with God.

I don't want God to look at me and say, "He's really wise, he knows his theology." I want God to look at me and be pleased that I am seeking Him, and becoming more like Him, and doing what I can to care for people. I want to be transformed. I'm not saying theology isn't important, just that it isn't the most important thing. God is great, and powerful. He doesn't need me to figure everything out in order to use me. As He transforms me, I believe He can help me know and understand Him better, and my theology will grow out of that.

One thing that is transforming me these days is engaging in "fixed-hour prayer," or in some circles, "praying the daily offices."

Simply put, praying at regular times throughout the day, mostly from Scripture. I've been using Phyllis Tickle's The Divine Hours. Check out her website, or see the prayers online here.

I grew up thinking that prayer was supposed to be spontaneous; that written prayers were not real, or heart-felt. So spontaneous prayer has always been a part of my life. But discovering the beauty and power of praying Scripture, and prayers written by other Christians over the centuries has been wonderful.

Here is one of today's prayers from The Divine Hours:

O God, who by the glorious resurrection of your Son Jesus Christ destroyed death and brought life and immortality to light: Grant that I, who have been raised with him, may abide in his presence and rejoice in the hope of eternal glory; through Jesus Christ my Lord, to whom, with you and the Holy Spirit, be dominion and praise for ever and ever. Amen.

please read this book!

More from chapter one of How (Not) to Speak of God by Pete Rollins:

...revelation, far from being the opposite of concealment, has concealment built into its very heart. (p. 16)

Rollins speaks of going into a museum and contemplating a painting:

The painting could be said to offer us a type of revelation, for it stands before us and communicates a message. However, the message of a piece of art is not simple, singular or able to be mastered...When we ask ourselves about the meaning of the artwork, we are immediately involved in an act of interpretation which is influenced by what we bring to the painting. In a similar way, the revelation of God should be compared to a parable that speaks out of an excess of meaning...The parable is given to us, but at the same time its full wealth of meaning will never be fully mined. It is not reducible to some clear, singular, scientific formula but rather gives rise to a multitude of commentaries. (p. 16, 17; italics mine)

...there is more, but I'll stop here and come back later...

I've been thinking on the line in italics above. We are all influenced by what we bring to faith and Scripture. I can't believe that people deny this, but many do. How else do you explain the incredible diversity in the universal Christian Church? So many within it think they have it figured out...reformed, charismatic, fundamental, evangelical, catholic, are only a few of literally hundreds of categories Christians use to define themselves, and most are absolutely certain that their understanding of Scripture and their ways of doing church are THE right ways, or at least the best.

I was in my twenties before I realized there were people who truly loved God and followed Jesus who were not Southern Baptist! I grew up being taught that we (southern Baptists--a group from which I now feel very different) were the only ones who really "got it," and everyone else was close but not quite there.

The more I read of the emerging conversation, the more I am convinced that many of these people, who often humbly admit that they don't have everything figured out, are actually closer to getting it than those who do think they have it all figured out. What is "it"? Not sure how to define; simply put, I guess I'm talking about connecting with God. Not knowing all about Him, not being able to explain the "true" meaning of all the Bible, but humbly living a life that strives to reflect His character.

long week

VA Tech tragedy

it's been over a week since I posted. Monday was rough--the tragedy at VA Tech. It hit me really hard. I didn't personally know anyone affected; but it really got me down. Maybe being a parent makes these things hit me harder. I was pretty depressed for a few days.

Church

Wednesday night I met with our new men's small group at church; it was a fantastic time, really ministered to me. We're starting The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron. Looks like great stuff so far. We move back into the LAB (our smaller space) this Sunday; it was being painted last couple weeks. Should be great! Check out our website for pics and info.

We got great news this week; we received a substantial grant from the Virginia Baptist Mission Board. Very exciting! It will be a huge help in our renovations; also very affirming that others believe in and support what we are doing.

Family

On Wednesday we went to Richmond for a level 2 sonogram. The doctor said the baby looks perfect! Jamie has a hunch it's a girl, and our friend Wayne predicted it's a girl--Wayne claims to be 19 for 19 in predicting the sex of babies (he was right on Brady).

I'm home with Brady today; having some great guy time!

back to Rollins--How (Not) to Speak of God

more great and difficult stuff about the dynamic nature of the Bible and it's descriptions of the nature of God...

We are presented with a warrior God and a peacemaker, a God of territorial allegiance and a God who transcends all territorial divides, an unchanging God and a God who can be redirected, a God of peace and a God of war, a God who is always watching the world and a God who fails to notice the oppression against Israel in Egypt. (p. 13; Rollins credits Philip Harrison for these insights)

How do people respond to this? Many outside the Christian faith would discount God; saying He's inconsistent, or schizophrenic, or that the Bible presents such an irrational picture of God that it can't be accurate.

Others, probably most in the modern evangelical church, work to explain away the seeming inconstancies or contradictions. They want/need to find rational answers to the hard questions. I used to be in that camp. But even before I admitted it, I struggled with this. The God in the Bible seemed way too complex and mysterious to be easily and rationally explained.

Mr. Deity is a series of short films which satirize the modern church, from a perspective that knows about Christianity but isn't really Christian. The videos provoke hard questions about God and faith. Very funny, very irreverent. In vol. 9, Mr. Deity describes how He looks in the Bible: "I look like a total schizoid. The first half I'm all fire and brimstone, guns a'blazin'; I'm shooting first and asking questions later. And then all of a sudden, whoosh, I'm Sybil, right? I'm peace, love, and understanding."

I wrestle with the different sides of God we see in the Old and New Testaments...but rather than try to solve the mystery, I want to get to know Him better. I'm trying to spend more time knowing Him, not just knowing about Him...

We had incredible time together this morning--God, Brady and me. I took Brady for a walk through the neighborhood. He loves the trees, the lake, the dogs we see and hear...he just loves being outside. As we walked I talked to Brady, and I talked to God. I saw His love in the beauty around us, I heard it in the laughter of my son, and I felt it in the incredible joy in my heart.

easter

taking a break from Rollins's book. Great day yesterday--had Easter sunset service in the sanctuary building...would have been nice to be in the LAB--our smaller space, but they're painting in there.

Worship was good--several people said the highlight was Ashley's reading of the Easter story from a kids Bible storybook. Added an element of child-like faith...wide-eyed wonder. She did a wonderful job!

hard leaving home this morning. Most mornings I get up with Brady, spend an hour or two with him so Jamie can rest (she's not sleeping well at night). It is precious time. This morning we had a couple hours together before I had to go to work. I picked him up, hugged and kissed him goodbye and gave him back to Jamie. He started crying and reaching up for me! Nothing breaks your heart like having to leave when your child is reaching out for you!

Jamie is doing well (other than being tired), kids are fine, and in five months we'll have another! My life is so great!

more of How (Not) To Speak of God

This book is so great; I'm reading it slowly; trying to digest and process as I go...

more from chapter 1, about "conceptual idolatry":

The term (idolatry) can be understood to refer to any attempt that would render the essence of God accessible, bringing god into either aesthetic visibility (in the form of a physical structure, such as a statue) or conceptual visibility (in the form of a concept, such as a theological system)...the former reduces God to a physical object while the latter reduces God to an intellectual object. (p. 12)

later:

We do not find some simple, linear understanding of YHWH developing through the text, and thus we do not find a single, coherent definition of God, as proclaimed by many contemporary churches...Western theology has all too often reduced the beautifully varied and complex descriptions of God found in the Bible to a singular reading that does violence to its vibrant nature. (p. 12)

This is so freeing. I sometimes feel attacked by those who criticize the emerging conversation (no one is attacking me directly, but they do attack people I read and respect and learn from). These watchdogs question if we really believe the Bible. They tell us we are not true Christians if we don't agree with their simple and clear interpretations of the Bible and share their precise understanding of who God is.

I really believe they have it backwards. God is so much greater than our limited ability to describe and explain Him! When we reduce God to a description that fits neatly into a systematic theology, we are capturing only a small piece of all that God is. We become guilty of idolatry!

I'm not saying we can't know anything of God; but that we can't know everything of God. We don't need to know everything of God to love Him and serve Him and worship Him...as my faith becomes more open and questioning and free, I find that I seek God and connect with Him in new and exciting ways. The Bible has come alive for me like never before. By not trying to intellectually understand so much about Him, I know and connect with Him more.

this book is great

More from Pete Rollins's How (Not) To Speak of God, chapter 1:

...when we make absolute claims concerning what we believe about the world or God, acting as if our opinions were the result of some painstaking, objective and rational reflection, we end up deceiving ourselves, for our understanding is always an interpretation of the information before us (whether the raw material of the world or revelation) and thus is always affected by what we bring to the table.

wow. I don't see the need to add any commentary...but I'd love to hear people's reactions to that quote.

heretical beliefs?

Those of us in the emerging conversation have been called heretics, and accused of rejecting the Bible and ignoring Christian doctrine. In chapter 1 of How (Not) to Speak of God, Rollins explains what many of us have been saying about this:

Those within the emerging conversation are offering a different way of understanding the answers that we already possess. In other words, those involved in the conversation are not explicitly attempting to construct or unearth a different set of beliefs that would somehow be more appropriate in today's context, but rather, they are looking at the way in which we hold the beliefs that we already have. This is not a revolution that seeks to change what we believe, but rather one that sets about transforming the entire manner in which we hold our beliefs.

In recent years my understanding and perspective of the Bible have changed a lot; but my beliefs in Jesus, and His Word and work have not; they have grown, becoming stronger and more real. Instead of reading the Bible as a textbook, a place to go to find answers, I read it as the story, the true story, of God and His love for His people. (And I feel no need to qualify "true" with the word "absolute.")

My faith is stronger because I dive into the Bible, wrestle with it, ask all kinds of questions (usually without clear, easy answers), and continue to seek God, in all his mystery and majesty. Critics want to deny mystery when it comes to God and the Bible. I read many writers and pastors who claim that there is no mystery; God has given us His Word, and it is clear and understandable. They call us heretics, claiming we question the obvious answers in the Bible.

Now I know most of these guys are way smarter than me. But I just don't see it. I think God wants us to enter into the mystery; I think that's why Jesus often spoke in parables and questions. He didn't give three point sermons that explained the Scriptures he quoted. He asked questions and let the listeners struggle; rather than giving easy answers.

OK, I'll get off my soap box. Today in worship we are going to walk through Scripture about the final week of Jesus' life--The entry into Jerusalem, Jesus' betrayal, last supper, arrest, trial, and crucifixion. No preaching, no commentary, just reading and acting out of Scripture. I think it will be powerful!

journey as destination

More on How (Not) to Speak of God, by Pete Rollins...from Chapter 1:

...those involved in the conversation acknowledge that Christianity involves a process of journeying and becoming. There is a shared understanding that being a Christian always involves becoming a Christian...faith embraces journey as a type of destination.

This speaks to me of our modern obsession with convincing people to:
close the deal
pray the prayer
cross the line
make a decision...

We put great emphasis on getting people to take an action that changes their status from lost to saved, non-Christian to Christian, condemned to forgiven, pagan to believer...but we are rarely as concerned with the journey.

I'm all for helping people choose to follow Jesus (it is part of my job!) But the challenging part, and I think the crucial part, is encouraging people on the journey they began by choosing Jesus. The decision or prayer is only the first step. It's really the easiest step. The journey that follows is incredible, frustrating, joyful, painful, frightening, mysterious, and adventurous.

Along similar lines, found this great article, "Jesus and the Sinner's Prayer" in Christianity Today by David Gushee. Got me thinking about Jesus' teaching when it comes to following Him; and how it's often different than the answers we give. He rarely gives the same answer twice; yet we have tried to come up with simple universal answers of what it means to follow him--the four spiritual laws, sinners prayer, etc.

Gushee says:

If Jesus is to be believed, inheriting eternal life involves a comprehensive divine assessment at every step along our journey, not just at its inception.

I want to be a pastor who, first of all, takes my journey seriously--constantly seeking and learning and interacting with Jesus; and second, is available to help others on that journey, not as a teacher, but as an encourager and fellow traveler.

must read--Pete Rollins

just started reading How (Not) To Speak of God by Pete Rollins. After only one chapter it is already having major impact. Rollins is able to articulate perfectly a lot of thoughts I've wrestled with but haven't been able to put into words. I'm going to comment on the book as I read; but obviously I will quote bits and pieces. I strongly urge you to read the book yourself!

Part 1 Intro:

The argument is made that naming God is never really naming God but only naming our understanding of God. To take our ideas of the divine and hold them as if they correspond to the reality of God is thus to construct a conceptual idol built from the materials of our mind.

Wow. Much of the criticism of emergent has been that we don't hold firm enough to certain, absolute, infallible beliefs. The above quote tells me that holding our interpretations too tightly is a form of idolatry. I do believe in the Bible; but my beliefs, anyone's beliefs, are never exactly what the Bible says, but our understandings and interpretations of what the Bible says. That doesn't mean we can't learn from or follow the Bible, but it does mean we ought to be careful about arrogantly thinking that we have the one and only right reading...

Rollins goes on to contrast the Greek-influenced idea of orthodoxy as right belief with the "more Hebraic and mystical notion of the orthodox Christian as one who believes in the right way--that is , believing in a loving, sacrificial and Christlike manner."

That sure makes sense to me.

my childish wish

ok, I'm a big kid. I admit it. Last month Ashley got a pair of heelys. First I thought, "I wish they had these when I was a kid." Then I wondered if they made them big enough for me. I was jealous. of my 11-year-old daughter.

Well, I just found out they DO make them big enough for me. So I've added a wish list to my blog. I rarely ask for anything; and I'm not at all materialistic. But I have a birthday in May and this is the only thing I'm asking for! (is my wife reading this?) You can find them HERE.

Laugh if you will, but it could be a great opportunity to bond with my daughter and her friends. or break my neck. Either way, it's an adventure!

random thoughts

I'm exhausted. Spent most of this week painting at church--doing a lot of remodeling over next month; making progress, it's gonna look great.

We had a lot of help today--friends from Cornerstone Baptist and the Church at Clarendon. My daughter Ashley and her friend Amanda were great helpers! It was so cool seeing folks jump in and serve!

Last night a few of us went to the 9:30 club in DC to see our own Jay Smith's band, Middle Distance Runner. Jay said playing there has been his dream for years; it was awesome! Twenty years ago I would have been up front by the stage dancing and drinking; but at 41, midnight is really late for a show to start! I didn't get home till almost 3 am, then up at 8 and off to church to paint.

OK, I'm running out of steam; I'll write more tomorrow. If you want to laugh, check out Mr. Deity. Very funny stuff--but you can't be too easily offended about faith. They do prompt some great questions.

back to cold reality

OK, Thursday we're at Sea World in San Diego, 70 degrees, sunny...Jamie fulfills her lifelong dream of interacting with the dolphins, I'm enjoying watching my son laugh at the whales and sea lions. Ashley got a pair of heelys; tennis shoes with a wheel on the heel--it is so fun to watch her roll everywhere. These are the joys of parenthood, seeing the world through the eyes of my kids and sharing their wonder and joy...

So we come back to find our neighborhood covered with ice. Literally. We're not going anywhere until it thaws!

A lot going through my head about the National Pastors Convention...especially about the Bible. For years I've felt like I've had this framework of faith and theology, and we try to make the Bible fit within that framework. I know the intentions are good, but I think more and more that we miss God's purpose. We argue about how literally to take the Bible...we argue over words like inerrant and infallible and authoritative...and what kills me is that these arguments aren't between Christians and non-Christians--they are going on within the church.

I think Jesus looks at this and sadly shakes His head. I think He probably feels like we so often miss the point. It shouldn't be about arguing, and making sure we get everything right--it should be about finding Jesus--His person, His heart, His desires, His Spirit, in the stories of the Bible. Receiving His love. Loving others in the same way.

I often hesitate writing about stuff like this. I'm not a theologian. I've forgotten much of what I've learned in seminary. I am a student, trying to know Jesus more and more, and become more like Him.

As a lover of literature, I'm excited about how I read the Bible these days. I see how God used all kinds of people to tell His stories. I am letting go of hangups about everything being historically and scientifically "accurate." I'm not saying the Bible is not true. I believe it is. But I think God's perspective of Biblical truth is very different from what a lot of people seem to think--inerrant, infallible, etc...

I realize I say "I think" a lot; and I know friends who will tell me I can't trust my thinking, I can only trust God's Word. But then they quote a verse to support their view; regardless of the historical and theological context of that verse...I'm diving into Jesus' words and stories, especially the Sermon on the Mount. Wow. Revolutionary stuff if we read it as if He meant it! OK, time to get off my soap box and get to bed.

Glad to be back in VA--excited about lots of work/renovations going on at church this week. Join us at Convergence if you can!

from sunny san diego

I'm at the National Pastors Convention in San Diego this week. Great to get away! Good time to relax, hear some challenging ideas from some great thinkers like Brian McLaren, Doug Pagitt, Phyllis Tickle.

Having fun with my family and hanging out with Josh.

I've had some interesting discussions with different pastors about how they perceive some of the activities going on this week. Worship has been led by a really dynamic worship leader…very sincere, emotional, charismatic. The songs have been typical praise songs popular in last ten years. Band is great, fancy light show. It’s the kind of worship I really enjoyed and connected with a few years ago, but these days seems a little hollow or empty to me. Feels more like a show than a worship experience.

I’ve talked with a few others to get their perspective. A couple of younger folks, “emerging types,” feel as I do about worship—some even more critical. Feels like the emphasis is on us, our energy and emotions, not on God, even though the words were about or sung to Him.

But some of the pastors who are a little older (45-55), think the worship is great. One said it wasn’t anything new, “nothing out of the box,” but that the leader created an atmosphere that was really powerful. They were wondering how to re-create that atmosphere in their church.

It made me think about what we are doing at Convergence. There is always a tendency to want to recreate a particular feeling or atmosphere; but I think we really want to create something that is our own, something that reflects our community, our people.

Anyway, it's interesting how different the opinions were about the worship. There is so much diversity, even in our church culture, and got me thinking —churched and unchurched, modern and post-modern, high energy and contemplative…

A lot of thoughts going through my head. Great seminar earlier in the week with Brian McLaren and Richard Twiss about the Bible. All the heat Brian takes about not respecting or valuing Scripture is crap. I was amazed at how much thought and energy he puts into seeking and learning and living Scripture as God intends. I really believe he has a much higher view of God's Word than those who quote it randomly and out of context in order to criticize others. I know my love for God and Scripture is growing as God works through people like Brian and Doug.

another baby!

Looks like only Josh is reading my blog these days; at least no one else responded to the "our family is expanding" comment. Yes, Jamie is pregnant! I was a little freaked out at first. Brady is 8 1/2 months old; I never really planned on having kids this close together. But after walking around in a daze for a couple days, I became really excited about another wonderful gift! A few nights ago I had a dream--I was in our church, running down the hall with a baby under each arm. The babies were laughing, and I was filled with joy and love for my children. Jamie has given me two incredible children already; I'm sure this one will be just as precious!

trying to live the kingdom

Sunday night we had our monthly communion service. We gather for dinner (a team effort--Jamie's recipe/my cooking!), then share communion, then have some creative worship. Communion was really powerful for me this week. It's so wonderful to be sitting around a table, smiling, laughing, sharing our lives and stories; then to join together in prayer both serious and joyful.

We watched one of Rob Bell's Nooma videos called "Trees." He asks some great questions about meaning and significance in life. We had a great discussion afterward, then played some games. These communion nights are one of my favorite things that we do. I hope that in time we do them even more often.

I love this quote from Bell: "May you trust Jesus, when he says that death has been taken care of, and that you can live forever with God, that you're never, ever going to stop living. May you believe that...you can be a partner with God in redeeming and restoring this fallen, broken, hurting world. That you can literally be a partner with God in making this the kind of place that God originally intended it to be. May you be the kind of person who, when you live this way, the very trees of paradise are being planted."

Other notes: Reading Brian McLaren's The Secret Message of Jesus. Great stuff; we're using some of it as we talk about the Kingdom of God during Jan. and Feb. at church...going to San Diego for the National Pastors Convention and some vacation next week--really excited to get away with my family...speaking of family, ours is getting ready to expand (this should tell me if anyone is reading my blog!)...Have a great day!

my son is a genius

OK, maybe that's a little exaggerated. But he is pretty amazing! I was letting him play with my cell phone--he loves objects with buttons and lights. I locked the keys so he wouldn't call anyone; but after a while saw the screen light come on (it shouldn't in locked mode). He had managed to dial the one number that still works when the phone is locked--911! I ended the call before anyone answered; no one called back and no police showed up.

Something here must run in the family; Jamie told me about a time years ago when she was in the shower and Ashley called 911 from the home phone. The police showed up at the door as Jamie was getting out!

I have a feeling this is just the first of many adventures to come!

Mornings like today are awesome...I get up with Brady so Jamie can sleep a little more. We talk and play and I have prayer time with him--just praying for him and my family. It's really cool; he almost always starts smiling when I pray out loud with him. Kids are great!

Scot McKnight on emerging church

Scot McKnight has a fantastic article titled "Five Streams of the Emerging Church" at Christianity Today. One of the best descriptions I've come across--crucial reading for anyone curious about emerging church.

a new look

You may notice my blog has a new look. I chose a new template because it was easier to fit some new things on the page. I have added a section for books/movies/cds I am enjoying and recommend. AND, if you buy an item from amazon through my blog, I get a few cents.

I spoke last Sunday about "The Kingdom as a Party," from John 2 where Jesus turned the water into wine. Got me thinking about how God really wants us to celebrate--Him, life, family, friends...Interesting that John chose as his first recorded miracle--not a healing or feeding, but saving a party!

I get so caught up in life's demands, that I don't take time to celebrate and enjoy. I'm trying to celebrate the little things--a good meal, the laughter of my children, a funny movie, a beautiful song, a pretty smile. Sometimes I look back at my "best days," days that made great memories, like surprise parties on my 16th, 21st, and 40th birthdays, my wedding day, the day Brady was born, a day at Kings Dominion with Ashley. I really do have much to celebrate!

If anyone's reading this, I'd love to hear about some of your "best days!"

ramblings on the war

I try to think carefully before I speak about politics and hot issues; not to hide my views, but to be sensitive to others and not alienate people. But I recently received an email that really got me going. It was one of those emails that everyone forwards to family and friends--here it is:

A mother asked President Bush,... "Why did my son have to die in Iraq?"

Another mother asked President Kennedy,... "Why did my son have to die in Viet Nam?"

Another mother asked President Truman,... "Why did my son have to die in Korea?

Another mother asked President F.D. Roosevelt,... "Why did my son have to die at Iwo Jima?"

Another mother asked President W. Wilson,... "Why did my son have to die on the battlefield of France?"

Yet another mother asked President Lincoln,... "Why did my son have to die at Gettysburg?"

And yet another mother asked President G. Washington,... "Why did my son have to die near
Valley Forge?"

Then long, long ago, a mother asked... "Heavenly Father, why did my Son have to die on a cross outside of Jerusalem?"

The answers to all these are similar -- "So that others may have life and dwell in peace, happiness and freedom."

I know the people that write and send these things mean well. But this is ridiculous. It implies that our military is on a holy mission. The scary thing is; a lot of people believe just that. To compare the death of our soldiers in Iraq to the death of Jesus Christ is just plain wrong. Jesus took the path of peace and gave His life. Our government sends our soldiers to kill.

Many people say that if you are against the war, then you are not supporting our troops. Many believe that Christians should support the war, because President Bush is a Christian and is being led by God. That is frightening. I don't doubt the president's faith, but I don't think he is leading the way Jesus taught.

Now I support our soldiers completely. I am an army veteran, and am grateful to those who serve. But my heart is broken that so many have died needlessly, along with so many Iraqis. And while I support our soldiers, I don't support the continuing strategy that put them where they are. I don't support the horrible decisions our leaders continue to make, that lead to so many deaths and are actually making the world a more dangerous place.

Jim Wallis has a great post about the war on his blog; and communicates much of what I feel, but far more eloquently. My desire is that our leaders do all they can to bring our soldiers home. I hate the ongoing violence in the middle east, and pray that God will bring peace and healing; but I think it's crazy to think it will happen through war, especially one led by the US.

I'll step down from my soapbox now. My blood is pumping because of four hours of 24 in the last two days. (OK, you may be wondering how I can be so pro-peace, anti-war, then be a fan of such a violent, stereotypical terrorist tv show. No idea. I just am. I never claimed that my life makes sense.)

heat on emerging church is rising

Been reading about John MacArthur's upcoming book critiquing emerging church. MacArthur's books had a great influence on me as a young Christian. While I don't always agree with him, I have always respected him. But the general attacks and unfounded criticism have made me sad.

If you're curious or interested in all the buzz, here are some blogs to look at.

Here is the first of a series from MacArthur, Brian McLaren and the Clarity of Scripture.
I don't encourage you to spend too much time here; I think MacArthur's opinions and judgments about McLaren and emerging church are unfair and inaccurate. But it is good to know the different perspectives out there.

Dan Kimball, author of The Emerging Church, gave a great response on his blog.

Paul Mayers has a great post on all this at Jason Clark's blog.

And Bill Kinnon has a great humorous response.

We've got a big planning day at church Sunday; things are moving along well!

Happy New Year!

what day is it?

Last few weeks have been a whirlwind--some good, some very hard. I'm going to just pour it all out and then move on. December was already packed, trying to prepare for next year at church, then had a death in the church (a very sweet 89-year-old woman) and a funeral.

Last week Jamie's best friend back home in Washington died of a heart attack. Kimmi was 36, wife and mother of a 3-year-old son. Jamie was devastated. We were fortunate and got a great deal on Priceline to go home for the funeral. It was a hard week, but good. Good to be with Jamie's family, good to help out with Kimmi's family and friends. I spoke at the funeral; just tried to offer some encouragement and comfort. Jamie's dad shared (he was a second dad to Kimmi) and did a beautiful job. Several others shared, including Jamie. She did great.

It has been hard watching Jamie hurt so much and not be able to do much about it. She has been amazing through all this. Brady did great traveling, but while in Washington Jamie got a cold, then passed it on to Brady and me. I'm still feeling pretty weak. I'm a big baby when sick--feel like I can't do much of anything.

We flew home on Christmas day; been tired and sick since. But it is good to be home, and all together (Ashley was at her father's for Christmas). Mom and Jerry came over last night; we ate dinner and opened presents. Today I try to get some work done.

I need to pause and be thankful; there has been a lot of good in the midst of a tough time--I'm amazed at how good Brady was on both flights--never cried, slept well, played, great mood. Everyone around us on the plane fell in love with him...very thankful for Chad and Linde, Jamie's sister and brother-in-law. We stayed with them in Washington. They are wonderful, generous, serving, fun to be with. Hate that they are so far away!...Thankful for Lisa, who took care of everything at church while I was gone...Thankful for a new year, new opportunities for our church to grow and connect with people and continue to make a difference!

blog about Convergence

My friend Tom posted about Convergence on his blog. Great to hear some perspectives about what we're doing. Thanks for the encouragement, Tom!

Had Kimmi's funeral today; it was really cool. Not a traditional funeral, more a time to celebrate, tell stories, connect with friends old and new.

too much death

We're in Washington on an unexpected Christmas trip. Jamie's best friend Kimmi died of a heart attack Monday; we flew out here for the funeral and to be with Jamie's family and friends. To top it off, Jamie and I are both fighting colds. I'm going to lead the funeral service tomorrow. Should be a good service, very casual and conversational. Rick, Kimmi's husband, wants it to honor and celebrate Kimmi's life.

I knew Kimmi a little; but she and Jamie had been best friends since childhood. Jamie is devastated. I've never seen her hurt so much, yet she is still so strong--caring for her family, her friends, helping however she can. I am so blessed to have such a wonderful wife.

I'm going to be honest--I'm sick of death. I'm tired of funerals. And deaths like these--far too early (Kimmi was 36, a wife and mother of a 3 1/2 year old son)--really are deflating. There's nothing to say, no answer to why. Nothing to do except cling to those we love and try to get through the grief together. I know God is here in the midst of this, but it takes more work to see it. Part of my role tomorrow will be to help others try to see that He is here, and cares...I know it, but don't feel it much now. I need some time to just be with Him, and let Him comfort and love me.

One of the bright points has been Brady. He was amazing on the trip out here; never fussed or cried on the plane. He is such a blessing. We are missing Ashley like crazy; she is at her father's for Christmas.

It has been good to see family out here--Jamie's mom, dad and step-mom, sister Linde and her husband Chad. In the midst of grief I am so happy to be with all of them for a few days. If you're a praying person, please pray for Rick and Gabe, for Jamie's and my health, and for good time with family. Thanks!

worn out

I am totally exhausted. We had a funeral today; for Johnnie, a wonderful lady who had been part of our church for over 50 years. It was a great service; easy to honor someone like Johnnie. I'm so glad for the few months I got to know her.

But funerals wear me out. Watching her die and spending time with her family after brought back a lot of emotion about the deaths in my family. Over the years I've lost a great-grandmother, a grandmother, a grandfather, and my father. We've lost two church members in last two months, so I've spent a lot of time in the hospital, and done two funerals. We'll probably have more in the not-too-distant-future.

But these are great opportunities to care for people, to help them through tough times. Also challenges me to deal with my own questions and thoughts about life and death. Thinking more about that lately, realizing I'm probably around the midpoint of my life. Strange to think I've probably got more years behind me than ahead of me. Challenges me to make the most of my time; something I'm not really good at.

About 3/4 through Stephen King's newest, Lisey's Story. Some of the best writing he's done in years; excellent so far.

when will I learn?

Jamie and I have had a rough time lately. She's been kind of grumpy/moody; I've been pretty sensitive, and easily upset. We both get frustrated, feeling like the other is being selfish and not caring about our needs. I'm stressed about church, all that needs to be done, feeling heavy, having spent a lot of time in the hospital lately watching one of our elderly members die (I expect her to go tonight or tomorrow). Jamie is dealing with major life change; going from working in a rewarding job to staying home full-time and homeschooling. (She loves being with the kids; isn't so crazy about housework...)

Tonight we had date night; a nice dinner at a Christmas party. We had a great talk on the drive, and were both able to move beyond our selfishness to try and understand how the other felt.

We do this every few months. Stuff builds up for a while, then we finally talk and clear the air and move back toward each other. I hate the frustration that leads up to it, but I guess it leads us to communicate better and helps us be a little more selfless. I love my wife very much; and now I'm going to bed, where she already is!

stress and joy

I find myself procrastinating and not blogging because I don’t feel I have a lot to say. So I’m going to try some stream of consciousness blogging. It always helped in high school when I had to journal and didn’t know what to say.

I realize I am stressed a lot these days. Co-pastoring a church is part of it; and not just a church, but a restart—not really a church plant, but not just leading an established church. We’re really creating something new in the midst of something old (for want of a better word.)

Actually, church is going really well; we’re making great progress. Should have website and signs up next week. Our friend Jay has done a great job with the logo; I’ll get it up here soon. We are working on a series for Advent; I think it will be really good. Please come join us sometime in December!

One of our older ladies, Johnnie, is in the hospital. I've been spending a lot of time visiting her. She is nearing the end of her life; I'm grateful that we've had some good time together over the last couple months. But it's hard to be in the hospital and watch her body and mind wear down.

I guess part of my stress is family—not that my family causes me stress—I love my wife and kids so much. But (as my blog title says) I still struggle to feel like an adult. I watch my 6-month-old son grow every day, and my 11-year-old daughter become less of a little girl and more a young lady—and it scares me. These two little people are dependent on me to train them, teach them, guide them, and not screw up too badly in all that!

My sermon this week was on faith, and risk, dreaming dreams so big that they can only be fulfilled by God. I guess I should take my own advice when it comes to parenting. I can’t be a great Dad on my own. I can if I trust in and depend on God. I need to do a better job of that.

One of my stress releases (although my competitive nature causes it to be a source of stress sometimes) is fantasy football. I’m tied for first in my league, in good position to make the playoffs. So I’ve got that going for me.

My competitive nature almost got me in trouble last night. I was at the George Mason basketball game with my buddies John, Ken, and Andy. They did a giveaway where they dropped these paper helicopters of coupons from the rafters. I almost fell over an older guy in front of me reaching for one. Ken grabbed me to keep me from falling. After I thought about it I realized how ridiculous that I’m willing to risk injury to me and others for prize—when I don’t know even know what it is!

The game was great; GMU won big over Florida International. Going to the games with the guys is my big stress release. We’ve had season tickets for years; it’s not just the games (although they’re great, especially our Final Four run last season!), but the tailgating and grilling brats, post-game beers, and the highlight of the year--going to Richmond for the conference tournament. Those weekends are legendary (literally; the stories are far wilder than the actual events!)

Two weeks ago I took Brady to his first GMU basketball game--on his 6-month birthday (see pic above). He did great! The team wasn't so lucky, lost by six to Wichita State. We're 3-2.

Today was great. I got a lot of work done; and got some great time with Brady while Jamie and Ashley shopped. Brady is learning to make all kinds of noises; the newest is a spitting, motor-like noise with his lips. He’s so intense as he’s doing it; like he’s concentrating on this new discovery. Then I do it in imitation, he laughs and laughs. That laugh is truly the most beautiful sound I’ve ever heard.

And the Redskins won Sunday; which is always great. So when I look back at this; even though life is stressful, it is also really, really good. I have a great family, awesome friends, and I’m building some great relationships in the context of this new community of faith, we call Convergence.

how much do I really care?

I was in a conversation with a friend, also a minister, and we were discussing the theology of a colleague. I mentioned that this colleague might lean toward universalism in her theology. My friend replied, "I hope she's right." My first reaction was shock, how could he think this way! I'm not too conservative, these days I lean toward the left side of moderate, but I certainly don't subscribe to universalism! I'm not that radical!

He went on to say, "I wouldn't bank my salvation on it, but shouldn't we all hope that she's right?" After thinking about it, I realized he was right. If I truly care about people, don't I want them to spend eternity in heaven? If I base my love for them on their willingness to believe what I believe; that's not very loving.

My faith is in Jesus. I believe that what He says in the Bible is true, that a relationship with Him is the way to truly know God; and that unfortunately, not everyone chooses to follow Him, and therefore won't be with Him forever. While that's what I believe, based on my understanding of Jesus; shouldn't I hope that there is more, that eventually everyone will be with Him, that no one will be left out?

I imagine some of my friends will say, "No, you should hope that all choose to follow Jesus." And I do. But what of those who don't choose to follow Him in this life? Should I really want them to be separated from God, or should I want God to find a way to keep them with Him? Can there be a difference between what I believe and what I want? Just because I don't believe in universalism doesn't mean I can't hope for it. If I love all people, than I should want all people to be saved. Peter said that "God does not want anyone to perish." I don't either.

Procastination, family, Brian McLaren

Haven't posted in almost three weeks; the days go by too fast! My procrastination almost got me into trouble last week. I looked at my calendar on Thursday and realized Friday was Jamie's birthday. I stopped at Carrabba's after work (Jamie's favorite restaurant) and got a gift card, then went to CVS and got a bunch of stuff for a gift bag (including a prepared gift bag). All that tells me I need to slow down!

Saturday we held the annual meeting for NorthStar, our local network of Baptist churches, and one of my employers. (I work part-time for the church, and part-time for the network.)

Brian McLaren was the guest speaker; he gave a fantastic message about worship. I have met Brian several times over the years, heard him speak, read many of his books, and know many people who are close to him. I have seen the fruit of his ministry in so many ways. I see his love for Jesus and for people. I have been blessed by him. So it breaks my heart to see the vicious criticism directed toward him, especially by several "watchdog" organizations that label him a heretic.

I don't agree with Brian on everything--but I probably don't agree with anyone on everything. Yet much of what he says resonates with the questions and wonderings I've had about God and life, especially as I move toward middle age. I am so grateful for the ways Brian challenges me to be real and honest with God and myself as I seek to know Him better and live in His ways.

Finally, a Brady update. My 5 1/2 month old son is now sitting up. He is growing like crazy, and developing such a beautiful personality. He has a wonderful smile and a contagious laugh. It is so fun watching him and his sister!

holy discontent

Last year I heard Bill Hybels give a great talk on vision. He said that there is a prerequisite to getting a vision.

"What happens in a leader is that they have this thing called holy discontent. There's something in their spirit that they're unsettled about, something that really bothers them," explained Hybels. “The discontent forces the leader to act.”

Years ago I worked in a residential treatment facility for children; caring for kids who had been abused, neglected, and abandoned. It was exhausting, heartbreaking, yet rewarding work. I never felt that working with children was my calling, even though I taught middle and high school English for six years and loved it.

But over the last couple years I've had a growing "holy discontent" that Hybels talked about. It has intensified since Brady was born. One day I was holding him, loving him; and it hit me, hard, that there are millions of children, babies, who don't have parents who love them and feed them and care for them.

I've always known this, but it took having a baby of my own for it to really hit me. It hurts me to hear Brady cry; and there is no greater joy than picking him up and seeing him smile as I love on him. It breaks my heart to think of all the babies, as beautiful and precious as my Brady, who cry and cry with no one to pick them up and comfort them. That thought brings tears to my eyes.

I thought my calling was to pastor, mostly with people like me. But I'm afraid that God is growing this discontent about children in me, and that eventually it's going to be too strong to ignore, and then I'm going to have to do something about it. I'm praying--curiously, reluctantly...

Life and death

What looked like a not-too-busy week is getting crazy. Fred, one of the long-time members at church died yesterday. He had been in the hospital for a week and a half. We will have the funeral at church Friday.

Saturday I have a wedding with some friends at my old church. They're getting married in a park, next to a creek; should be fun!

Saturday night is Andy's annual Oktoburkefest (he lives in Burke, hence the goofy spelling). Andy brags that it is Burke's largest Oktoberfest celebration. Should be fun!

Sunday is church. Lisa will be gone so I am speaking.

I've spent a lot of time at Alexandria Hospital the last few weeks. Mom was there having surgery and recovering, the daughter of a church member was there, then Fred, the gentleman who died was in.

Watching Fred reminded me so much of when Dad died, and the hours I spent next to his bed, watching his body shut down, feeling so helpless.

Twice last week I left Fred feeling completely drained; empty. I walked through the maze of halls toward the exit, got my parking ticket stamped, then walked out. Both days I came out to see young couples leaving the hospital with new babies. I felt swirling emotions--sadness about the death of loved ones, mixed with the joy of new life. It was strange to feel such joy for total strangers, but I felt connected to them. I wanted to go up to them and say, "Isn't it great!" (It was only 5 months ago that we brought Brady home from the hospital, and I can hardly remember or imagine life without him!)

Life and death. An old man dying behind me and new life coming out into the world in front of me. Each gives more meaning to the other. Life is more precious because of its shortness. At 41 I realize my life is probably more than half over. That is scary, but also challenges me to make the most of each day. To love my family. To try to accomplish something for God. To enjoy all the blessings I have.

And as scary as death seems, it is not meaningless. It is a part of life. The focus of the people who knew Fred is not on his death, but his life. All he did. The legacy he left, the stories, the history. And on the life he now lives.

I love my life. My family. And I trust there are even better things to come, as my kids grow, as we have more kids (exciting and scary!).

I realize this post is all about me...God is also really dealing with me on some other things, challenging things, outside myself. More about that soon...

A good Sunday

Overall, a pretty good day. Church was great; I love having April and Nuc there to play music; we are so blessed! Worship was good, our friend Elise preached about unity and did a great job. We had two visiting couples--one that came on purpose; and one that was lost and just came to the first church they found! It was a reminder to me that God will bring people to us, and us to people.

I was impressed with the dedication of our friend Jay. Jay plays in a band, Middle Distance Runner, and was out till after 3 am; yet he got up and made it to church! He is always there; even though he rarely gets much sleep on Saturdays. I'm grateful for guys like Jay!

Not such a great sports day--the Redskins lost to the Giants. Dale Earnhardt Jr. was leading the race on the last lap, and got wrecked. I was mad. But I won fantasy football, so that helped.

Great time with family tonight. We watched an episode of Little House on the Prairie. I admit it was one of my favorites as a kid. It's great watching it with Ashley, seeing her love something I loved. I'm so blessed by my kids!

Things are looking up!

This past Sunday we had our Commitment Sunday--announcing the name change, beginning the next phase of our re-start. We are now Convergence: A Creative Community of Faith at Fair-Park Baptist Church. What a mouthful! You can just say Convergence.

Our focus for the next six months is building relationships with our existing community, preparing to begin outreach and publicity in April.

Sunday was the most enjoyable and meaningful worship I've had in a while. It was the first time in months I didn't feel heavy because of the pessimism of a few folks. I focused on what God is doing, and on the people who are excited and supportive of where we are going (and most people are). Even those who aren't happy didn't express it with grumbling and dirty looks as they have in the past.

Lisa and I spent the last couple weeks visiting with many of the older folks in the church; all the visits were wonderful, and went a long way toward helping us all get on the same page.

Family life is good--the highlight of my day is greeting Brady when he wakes up. I walk into his room, he looks around, and when he sees me his whole face lights up in a big smile. I love my daughter just as much, but when I greet her in the morning she makes mean faces and grumbles, "Five more minutes."

I am still overwhelmed with stuff to do--I need to close here and make about a dozen phone calls--but I am so grateful for my family, and my church, and my friends. Even though this is an extremely stressful time, God continues to bless me every day, in ways big and small.

Pouring it out

Haven't written in a while; last few weeks really busy, exhausting, difficult, exciting, draining...I'm not even going to try to organize, just stream of consciousness venting. Here goes...

One of hardest experiences ever today--emotionally--taking Brady for his 4 month check-up, where he got 4 shots. Nothing breaks your heart like holding your baby while the nurse sticks him with needles. His cries of pain stabbed my heart more deeply than anything ever has. Fortunately he was over it quickly...I sang to him, somehow that helped.

A little background--I am tone deaf; can't carry a tune at all. My singing is horrible; no exaggeration. Yet when I sing to Brady he always smiles. I even wrote a song for him (very simple); in his early days--no way to convey the tune (who are we kidding, with me there is no real tune!). He smiles every time I sing it to him.

It goes like this:

See the sun up in the sky
It shines for you, Brady Nelson Cullop
(repeat)

Hear the birds up in the trees
They sing for you, Brady Nelson Cullop
(repeat)

There are variations depending on the time and place...

Hear the rain up on the roof
It falls for you, Brady Nelson Cullop

...stars instead of sun at night, stuff like that. I made up a verse one time about Jamie breastfeeding Brady, Ashley laughed hysterically. Better not repeat that one here.

He's been sleeping most of the afternoon; shots are traumatic and exhausting, I guess.

Church is up and down. The things we are doing in worship, the responses of newer people, friends visiting, etc. are tremendous; very positive.

A few of the older folks don't like any of it, complain to us, complain to each other, complain to the trustees.

We're setting up individual meetings with the older folks over next two weeks to talk, listen, try to understand each other...

I have about 5 projects for NorthStar (my association job) I'm trying to keep up with (I'm really way behind), about 150 emails to get to, and lots of work for church--message for Sunday, budget prep stuff, people to meet with, phone calls....This is by far the most stress I've ever felt. I really want to just run away and hide. If it weren't for my family I just might.

My favorite Psalm is 119. Here are verses 14-16 from The Message:

"If you'll hold on to me for dear life," says God,
"I'll get you out of trouble.
I'll give you the best of care
if you'll only get to know and trust me.
Call me and I'll answer, be at your side in bad times;
I'll rescue you, then throw you a party.
I'll give you a long life,
give you a long drink of salvation!"

I am really trying to hold onto God. I don't always sense His presence, but I know He's there, and sometimes that has to be enough...remembering the times He has cared for me, and looking forward to seeing how He takes care of me through the current stressful time.

It doesn't help that it's football season and the Redskins look horrible. I am such a huge fan; have been since I was a kid. I know it's just a game, but the Skins do affect my mood. Really need a win at Houston this week.

My kids are often what keep me going. They both have the most beautiful smiles. The other day I met Jamie somewhere; opened the back door of her car to see Brady. He was facing the other way; when I said hello to him, and he heard my voice, he broke into the biggest smile, even before he saw me. I am listening for God; I want to know that same joy as I hear my Father's voice. I have experienced it before; there are times like now when I think the key is for me to shut up and listen for it. So I'll close here and go listen.

Life is crazy

My life has always been crazy; at least since I hit puberty. I keep thinking one day it will slow down; I should know better, but I don't want to give up the dream...

Had a rough patch today--a phone conversation with one of the senior members of the church. Don't want to go into detail, but dealing with a situation that involved miscommunication, dishonesty, false accusations; stuff that just wears me out. I was really angry. I have struggled more with anger the last 2 months than I had in years; all connected with the church, trying to deal with the few folks who asked for a re-start but now fight it every step of the way. Most of the people are really great, very supportive. It's only a couple who are opposed and very loud who bring me down.

But crazy isn't all bad. I wish I weren't so busy, but I am having fun. Most of the time. My kids are such a great source of joy. We started home-schooling with Ashley (10) last week; she is so bright and alive and has a great sense of humor. The highlight today was singing praise songs with her before we started class. (I can't carry a tune, but she doesn't care, we have so much fun singing together!)

Brady (almost 4 months) still brings tears to my eyes every time he smiles at me. He is doing more and more, laughing, making more noises (the latest is a kind of growl that Jamie says is his bear imitation).

Jamie has two more weeks at work, then will be home full-time--Yay! We had fun this weekend shopping at Ikea.

I realize I talk a lot about what's happening, but don't get too deep or open here. Guess I'm still cautious to put myself out there. My friend April is so good at that--her blogs inspire me.

I enjoy life very much, but feel overwhelmed. There is so much to do. I'm sitting in my home office which needs to be cleaned and organized; but that 's a job that will take hours. I am months behind in organizing receipts and check requests for work. I have over 100 emails in my box to answer; some I know I am too late to help or get or give what is needed.

Brady is waking up from a nap so I need to go get him. I need about 5 more hours in a day. I need to be better organized. I need to watch less TV. I need to slow down and just be with God, enjoy His presence, let Him love me.