Sunday, July 30, 2023

Writing Again

It's time to start writing again. I haven't written much over the last few years. Why? Fear, laziness. Sometimes I'm not sure what to write about. It's not a problem of having nothing to say, but too much, and I don't know how to choose or where to start.

So I'm going to start with whatever comes to mind.

I've been separated for almost nine months. It's been hard and good. My marriage was very unhealthy. I'm not blaming, and I'm not going into detail. I wasn't healthy. The atmosphere in our home wasn't healthy. And our family wasn't healthy.

I had to get out for my own well-being. My stress and anxiety were unbearable. I was struggling at work (and ended up getting fired), couldn't sleep, couldn't relax, couldn't enjoy life. 

The only respite was my children. That was, and is, what brings me joy. That is also what made it hard to leave my marriage. I should have left years ago, but I didn't because I couldn't stand the thought of not being in the same house as my boys every day, every night. Ashley was gone, first to college in Portland, more recently to Texas. I was used to not being with her every day (although I still miss her every day.)

I was afraid of not being with my boys every day. But I finally decided being healthy and apart from them sometimes was better than being unhealthy and with them all the time.

When I moved into my apartment, the primary emotion was relief. Freedom. It's been hard for me, and for the boys, but I don't doubt I did the right thing. I am much healthier. I think Jamie is. And Cash. I think Brady is, but he still sometimes says he wishes we all still lived together.

But I am at peace. I am content to be on my own. I miss the boys when they are not with me, but I love it when they are. And for the first time in my life, I have peace about being on my own. I don't need a relationship. I'd like one eventually--I do want to find someone to share my life with, but not right now.

I have a job I love, something I've wanted to do for a long time, and good friends, and three children that I love more than anything in this world. And that's enough.