Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Pouring it out

Haven't written in a while; last few weeks really busy, exhausting, difficult, exciting, draining...I'm not even going to try to organize, just stream of consciousness venting. Here goes...

One of hardest experiences ever today--emotionally--taking Brady for his 4 month check-up, where he got 4 shots. Nothing breaks your heart like holding your baby while the nurse sticks him with needles. His cries of pain stabbed my heart more deeply than anything ever has. Fortunately he was over it quickly...I sang to him, somehow that helped.

A little background--I am tone deaf; can't carry a tune at all. My singing is horrible; no exaggeration. Yet when I sing to Brady he always smiles. I even wrote a song for him (very simple); in his early days--no way to convey the tune (who are we kidding, with me there is no real tune!). He smiles every time I sing it to him.

It goes like this:

See the sun up in the sky
It shines for you, Brady Nelson Cullop

Hear the birds up in the trees
They sing for you, Brady Nelson Cullop

There are variations depending on the time and place...

Hear the rain up on the roof
It falls for you, Brady Nelson Cullop

...stars instead of sun at night, stuff like that. I made up a verse one time about Jamie breastfeeding Brady, Ashley laughed hysterically. Better not repeat that one here.

He's been sleeping most of the afternoon; shots are traumatic and exhausting, I guess.

Church is up and down. The things we are doing in worship, the responses of newer people, friends visiting, etc. are tremendous; very positive.

A few of the older folks don't like any of it, complain to us, complain to each other, complain to the trustees.

We're setting up individual meetings with the older folks over next two weeks to talk, listen, try to understand each other...

I have about 5 projects for NorthStar (my association job) I'm trying to keep up with (I'm really way behind), about 150 emails to get to, and lots of work for church--message for Sunday, budget prep stuff, people to meet with, phone calls....This is by far the most stress I've ever felt. I really want to just run away and hide. If it weren't for my family I just might.

My favorite Psalm is 119. Here are verses 14-16 from The Message:

"If you'll hold on to me for dear life," says God,
"I'll get you out of trouble.
I'll give you the best of care
if you'll only get to know and trust me.
Call me and I'll answer, be at your side in bad times;
I'll rescue you, then throw you a party.
I'll give you a long life,
give you a long drink of salvation!"

I am really trying to hold onto God. I don't always sense His presence, but I know He's there, and sometimes that has to be enough...remembering the times He has cared for me, and looking forward to seeing how He takes care of me through the current stressful time.

It doesn't help that it's football season and the Redskins look horrible. I am such a huge fan; have been since I was a kid. I know it's just a game, but the Skins do affect my mood. Really need a win at Houston this week.

My kids are often what keep me going. They both have the most beautiful smiles. The other day I met Jamie somewhere; opened the back door of her car to see Brady. He was facing the other way; when I said hello to him, and he heard my voice, he broke into the biggest smile, even before he saw me. I am listening for God; I want to know that same joy as I hear my Father's voice. I have experienced it before; there are times like now when I think the key is for me to shut up and listen for it. So I'll close here and go listen.

Monday, September 11, 2006

Life is crazy

My life has always been crazy; at least since I hit puberty. I keep thinking one day it will slow down; I should know better, but I don't want to give up the dream...

Had a rough patch today--a phone conversation with one of the senior members of the church. Don't want to go into detail, but dealing with a situation that involved miscommunication, dishonesty, false accusations; stuff that just wears me out. I was really angry. I have struggled more with anger the last 2 months than I had in years; all connected with the church, trying to deal with the few folks who asked for a re-start but now fight it every step of the way. Most of the people are really great, very supportive. It's only a couple who are opposed and very loud who bring me down.

But crazy isn't all bad. I wish I weren't so busy, but I am having fun. Most of the time. My kids are such a great source of joy. We started home-schooling with Ashley (10) last week; she is so bright and alive and has a great sense of humor. The highlight today was singing praise songs with her before we started class. (I can't carry a tune, but she doesn't care, we have so much fun singing together!)

Brady (almost 4 months) still brings tears to my eyes every time he smiles at me. He is doing more and more, laughing, making more noises (the latest is a kind of growl that Jamie says is his bear imitation).

Jamie has two more weeks at work, then will be home full-time--Yay! We had fun this weekend shopping at Ikea.

I realize I talk a lot about what's happening, but don't get too deep or open here. Guess I'm still cautious to put myself out there. My friend April is so good at that--her blogs inspire me.

I enjoy life very much, but feel overwhelmed. There is so much to do. I'm sitting in my home office which needs to be cleaned and organized; but that 's a job that will take hours. I am months behind in organizing receipts and check requests for work. I have over 100 emails in my box to answer; some I know I am too late to help or get or give what is needed.

Brady is waking up from a nap so I need to go get him. I need about 5 more hours in a day. I need to be better organized. I need to watch less TV. I need to slow down and just be with God, enjoy His presence, let Him love me.