Grieving and Hoping

After some lighter, or less personal blog posts, tonight I am going to open up.

I am grieving tonight. Six months ago we moved from VA to Washington; and for some reason, tonight, sitting in a hotel in Kansas City, the grief finally came, pouring out in tears and sobs.

Grief over leaving my parents, my brother, my best friends, my favorite people and places and activities.

Most days I'm doing pretty well, and I do like life out in Washington, but I think it's finally hitting me that after the past nine years of being close to my parents, and my friends, and driving home to our house in the woods, and swimming in our neighborhood lake, and going to GMU basketball games, and meeting my college buddies for drinks at Fats, and going to the CAA tournament in Richmond every March--all that is gone, and I'm grieving for that.

I love my family, and my wife's family who is all nearby now. I really enjoy my job, and my new friends. I love the mountains around us. I like our small town, and the people who help care for our kids.

But I miss my life if Virginia. Just as with the other big moves in my life--going from VA to Texas, then Texas back to VA--I have said goodbye to a part of my life, a part of me. So I grieve.

Yet as I think and write and cry through my grief, my focus shifts forward, and toward those around me. 

All this is enhanced because my wife has cancer, and in these early days of diagnosis and exams and consultations, we are uncertain of the future, knowing only that our lives are about to change radically.

I also realize that my life is not be about me, but about Jamie and our kids. 

I am concerned for her, and hopeful for God's healing and blessing. I long to be the man God wants me to be for her. I pray that God will help me love and support her, and provide peace and strength for her and our children.

I pray and work to be able to lay down my life, to live more and more for God and my family. I look for hope of what God will do through this dark time, hope that he will bring us all through this, stronger, gentler, closer, more faithful.

I close with a prayer borrowed from my friend Mike Stavlund, whose writing often encourages and blesses me and captures the parts of my heart that I struggle to express (thank you, Mike):

God of grace and disappointments, God of kindness and pain, God of suffering and healing, God of absence and presence, God of weakness and strength, we worship you. We wrestle with you, and we honor you in all of your ways. 



 

Meeting BJ Thomas

One of my favorite songs is a cover--B.J. Thomas's version of the Hank Williams classic "I'm So Lonesome I Could Cry."

I love Thomas's voice, and have been a fan for many years.

I think the first of his songs that I knew was his biggest--"Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head," from the film Butch Cassidy and The Sundance Kid.

As a teen, I was always into oldies, and remember listening to "Hooked on a Feeling," "I Just Can't Help Believing" and "Another Somebody Done Somebody Wrong Song."

In 1985 I read Thomas' first book, Home Where I Belong, which chronicles his early career, battle with drugs, and his spiritual journey, as he became a Christian and sought to overcome his addiction. 

While I wasn't an addict or acoholic, I read the book at a time when I was trying to move away from a life filled with drinking and partying, focusing more on God and trying to live a life that reflected Christ.

Thomas' book really spoke to me. I connected with his struggle to do the right thing in the midst of temptation and his personal demons. His faith and humility inspired me.

In my 20's and early 30's I went through a lot of ups and downs, especially in relationships. "I'm So Lonesome I Could Cry" was a song I turned to from time to time. It does such a great job of capturing the loneliness that we all feel at some time.

In the nineties, I lived in Ft. Worth, Texas, and spent a lot of time at the Ballpark in the Arlington, where the Texas Rangers played. I even worked at the Ballpark for a couple years, so I went to a lot of games.

Thomas lived in Arlington, and was a frequent guest at the Ballpark, singing the National Anthem before games several times each season. I loved to hear him sing "The Star-Spangled Banner."

In the late 90s I flew home to Virginia once or twice a year. One time I got on the plane in DC to fly back to Texas, and as I walked through first class, saw a face that looked familiar sitting in the back row of the first section.

It took me a minute to recognize the thin, almost gaunt face, deep blue eyes, and long, curly black hair; and it wasnt until I was walking past him into coach that I realized it was BJ Thomas.

I sat down thinking, "how cool was that." I wasn't shocked; I traveled a lot and was used to seeing famous people.

I used to fly in and out of Nashville a lot, and over the years have seen a lot of celebrities in airports or on airplanes--including John Voight, Charles Durning, Faye Dunaway, Amy Grant, Tom T. Hall.

But it was different with Thomas. Having grown up listening to his music, and reading his book, I felt like I knew him. As I sat in my seat, I remembered his story, and the struggles he had overcome. I looked back at my own life and thought about the path my life had taken in the years since reading Thomas' book.

A couple hours later we landed in DFW and I got off the plane, having forgotten about the famous voice in first class.

I walked to the baggage claim area and waited for my bag.

It's easy to get mesmerized watching that belt go around and around, looking for your luggage. After about ten minutes I looked up and saw that everyone had retrieved their bags and left, except for me. And BJ Thomas.

I walked over to him and said hello. I told him that I was a big fan of his music, and that I had read his book and appreciated him telling his story, sharing his struggles and faith journey.

I told him that his recording of "I'm So Lonesome I Could Cry" was beautiful; one of my all-time favorites.

Thomas was really friendly; he listened and asked a little about me. Our conversation lasted less than five minutes; his bag appeared before mine and he thanked me for my kind words and said goodbye.

I look back at that conversation every time I hear one of his songs--one of those little moments in life that isn't really a big deal, but leaves an impression, and makes those songs a little more meaningful.

Belief--from Rob Bell's last sermon at Mars Hill

i write this to you because of how many of you have been
challenged about your participation in the life of this
church, often with the accusation: but what do they believe
over there at mars hill?

as if belief, getting the words right, is the highest form of
faith. Jesus came to give us life. a living, breathing, throbbing,
pulsating blow your hair back tingle your spine roll the
windows down and drive fast experience of God right
here, right now.

word taking on flesh and blood.

and so you've found yourself defending and explaining
and trying to find the words for your experience that is
fundamentally about a reality that is beyond and more than
words.

so when you find yourselves tied up in knots, having
long discussions about who believes what, a bit like
dogs doing that sniff circle when they meet on the sidewalk,
do this:

take out a cup
and some bread
and put it in the middle of the table,
and say a prayer and examine yourselves

and then make sure everybody's rent is paid and there's
food in their fridge and clothes on their backs

and then invite everybody to say
'yes' to the resurrected Christ with whatever 'yes' they
can muster in the moment and then you take that bread
and you dip it in that cup in the ancient/future hope and
trust that there is a new creation bursting forth right here
right now and

then together taste that new life and liberation and
forgiveness and as you look those people in the eyes gathered around that table from all walks of life and you see the new
humanity, sinners saved by grace, beggars who have
found bread showing the others beggars where they found it
remind yourselves that
this
is
what
you
believe.

remember, the movement is word to flesh.
beware of those who will take the flesh and want to turn it
back into words


I recently had a conversation with a pastor who would not do business with my company because we do business with another pastor, whose theology and methods he does not approve.

I deal with people all over the landscape of the Church. I have conversations with extreme fundamentalists and liberals; people who use only the King James Bible, and others who write their own translations; people in churches of thousands, people in churches of ten.

I work with Baptists, Methodists, non-denominationalists, Episcopals, Catholics, Bereans, Mennonites, Presbyterians, Pentecostals, Lutherans, Anglicans, Korean churches, Chinese churches, African-American churches, Latino churches, Emerging Churches, Reformed churches, traditional churches, contemporary churches...and dozens of others.

I see an incredible diversity in what churches put on their "statement of beliefs" pages, and think how amazing it is that all these people are reading the same bible and come up with such different interpretations, perspectives, doctrines and emphases.

I grow weary of the debates among writers and speakers and theologians, the accusations of heresy, the warnings to avoid certain writers and churches and theologies.

So I love Rob's answer to the question of belief. It's about the bread, and the cup, and the life, death and resurrection of Jesus. It's about loving God and loving people.


I am convicted that I do a poor job of this. I need to spend less time reading and thinking and debating, and more time just loving God and loving people.

Rob Bell--Jesus' Humanity

More from Rob Bell's goodbye sermon at Mars Hill:


many Christians are eager to point out that
Jesus said he was the son of God and that's the wedge issue,
the crux of the faith, the divisive point you have to take a stand
on. 

i believe he is. and in the same breath, i remind you that
he also referred to himself a shocking number of times as the
'son of man.' you know what 'son of man' means?

human.
now that's shocking.
take a stand on that.

what he stressed, what he thought was a big deal, what
he called himself time and time again, was son of man.

it is a big deal for a human to be divine, but if
you're looking to provoke, and if you want to focus in on
astounding claims he made about himself,
how about the mind-bendingly revolutionary claim of the
divine being human?

weeping,
spitting in mud,
eating,
drinking so much he's accused of being a drunk,
letting people clean his feet with oils,
inviting people to touch his wounded sides.

humanity, now that's interesting.
Jesus invites us into the full spectrum of human experience,
from lament to exhilaration and everything in between.

from basking in the presence of God,
to cursing at the top of your lunges from the rooftops
because God is nowhere to be found,

shrieking till you're hoarse 'my God, my God, why have
you screwed me'
now that's life.
that's real.
that's divine.

These are the kinds of thoughts that really help me connect with Jesus. Imagining his humanity--that he lived and breathed and hurt and felt and experienced all that I experience. That he, too, experienced God's presence, and the lack of God's presence--just as I do.


There are times I sense God being so close--holding me, comforting me, loving me, encouraging me, guiding me, protecting me...yet there are also times when I feel that I could shout as loud as I can, and still wonder if he hears me.


Times when life just doesn't make sense, and I wonder, "What the heck is God thinking/doing?"


Remembering that Jesus went through all of that helps tremendously. I am not alone. God doesn't just invite me to seek him, he seeks me. He became human and came to me. He took the initiative to know me and love me and be with me. wow.

Great thoughts from Rob Bell's goodbye sermon

A couple days ago I listened to Rob Bell's final message to Mars Hill. I love listening to Rob--his voice adds passion and wonder to his words. I posted a link to this message on my facebook page, but suggest you get the podcast and listen, rather than just read.

I thought I'd share a few parts of his message that spoke to me:

this church, this place, this community, was once simply a
hunch. a dream. a vision. 

a picture in the mind of a new kind of church for the new world we find ourselves in. 

a church that was fearless in confronting the injustices and systems of oppression that lurk around every corner and at the very same time deeply committed to the personal, intimate experience of following Jesus, of experiencing the joy and peace that transcends space and time. 

a church that found the stale, old categories of liberal and conservative boring and irrelevant because we'd experienced resurrection, which includes and affirms anything and everything that brings liberating, new life wherever it's found irrespective of whatever labels and categories it's been given because of an abiding conviction that the
tomb is,
after all,
empty.

a church where the main thing was actually the main thing.
a church that understood that there is a simplicity on the other side
of complexity, 

aware of all of the various interpretations
and theological perspectives and complicated systems of thinking and analyzing 

and yet with a clear, resolute sense that Jesus is doing something in the world, bringing water to the thirsty, food to the hungry, peace to the restless, presence to the lonely 

and we are invited to join his movement. 

that Jesus is ultimately not a proposition you intellectually assent to but a person you say 'yes' to.


I love Bell's messages. This last part, which I put in bold, is an important piece for all of us--whatever labels describe our theology. We easily get caught up in thinking, intellectualizing, arguing, debating, defending, and questioning--our beliefs, our interpretations, our preferences...


I need to remember that what is most important is knowing, experiencing, following, pursuing, longing for, crying out to, imitating, and living in Jesus.

It's not about what I think about Jesus, but how I relate to Jesus. And it seems that as I get older, this doesn't become easier, as I used to think it would. My always-present questions about life, death, God, the Bible, people, religion, everything, make my pursuit of Jesus more challenging than ever.

So while my understanding might not be as simple as it used to, I want to grow in my ability to say "yes" to Jesus, no matter what. 

Christmas Emotions

You always hear about how the holidays are an emotional time. Times like this seem to enhance whatever we are feeling. Those who are grieving loss, feel it even deeper; those who are experiencing joy are even more excited.

Tonight I spent some time reflecting how I am feeling a lot of different emotions at once. During the past week I have felt humbled, proud, nervous, grateful, angry, defeated, determined, happy, peaceful, anxious, eager, and tired.  That's probably not it, but all I can think of now.

Getting into basketball season reminds me how much I miss my friends in Virginia. I miss going to GMU's games with the guys. I miss Andy's goofy sense of humor. I miss just sitting with the guys, feeling so great about everything in life.

I miss my parents, and my brother, and all my friends in VA.

But I also love our life here. I got a promotion at work last week--my boss has shown me a lot of trust and been pleased with my work, and is giving me more responsibility. I am excited about that.

I really enjoy the people I work with, and the challenges of my job, and the feeling of accomplishment.

I am having a blast with my kids. I love going to work, and I love coming home.

Jamie and I are having fun with her family--having people over for dinner, hosting game nights, being able to get together with people spontaneously.

We are stressed about Christmas, still last minute shopping to do; but it will come together.

In the midst of the time when everything is supposed to be about Jesus, it's so easy to get busy and push him to the backburner.

So I pause tonight to seek Him.

In gratitude to God, empowered by the Spirit,
let us strive to serve Christ in our daily tasks
and to live holy and joyful lives,
even as we watch for God’s new heaven and new earth,
praying: Come, Lord Jesus!
—from A Brief Statement of Faith

Advent--Preparation

"A voice of one calling in the wilderness,
       'Prepare the way for the Lord,
       make straight paths for him.
     Every valley shall be filled in,
       every mountain and hill made low.
       The crooked roads shall become straight,
       the rough ways smooth.
     And all people will see God's salvation.' " (Luke 3: 4-6, TNIV)

Preparation

How do we prepare for the one who is coming? How do we prepare to celebrate the birth of Jesus?

Life is full of preparation. It seems like we spend a lot more time preparing than doing. We spend our childhood preparing for adulthood—what do you think we are doing in school? Twelve years, then four or more in college. Why?

Preparing to be an adult, a contributing member of society. For the first 20 years of life, we’re not really doing anything, just preparing for what comes next.

Many of us spend our early adult years preparing for marriage and parenthood. We’re out on our own, taking responsibility, learning how to be a grown up.

Once we have a job and a family, we spend time preparing for our kids’ future, and retirement--working, saving, investing, thinking about what we will do when we’re older.

In church we read, study, and serve, preparing to do what God wants us to do.

But none of that preparation compares to the preparation in which we now find ourselves. For now we are talking about preparing ourselves for the coming of Jesus.

It’s the time when we celebrate who God is in our lives, and what God has done; but even more, we look ahead at the celebration of what is to be as we follow him, both in this life, and the life to come.

True celebration doesn’t just happen. It takes preparation. Think of the joyful times in life, and the preparation involved there. The greatest day of my life was my wedding day. 

Jamie and I were engaged for eight months. There was a lot of work that went into planning the wedding. We didn’t want it to be perfect, but we did want it to be fun. We wanted it to be a celebration, and for everyone to enjoy themselves as much as we did!

So we planned and talked and dreamed. We went to other weddings and learned what we liked and what we didn’t.

From beginning to end, we planned for it to be a day of celebration. A lot of people told us it was the best wedding they been to. The ceremony was beautiful—we had music that was meaningful—Ash’s favorite song, Jamie’s mom played violin, her  sister Marty sang.

Ashley was a big part of the ceremony, as we made vows to her, and invited her to participate on the stage with us.

While we were taking pictures, our guests were already eating and laughing and listening to music. Once we joined the reception, there was dancing, great food, and wonderful cake. The whole day was a celebration! It was great, because we prepared for it.

I think the second greatest day of my life was the day Brady was born. I got Ashley at seven—she was already trained. I didn’t have to prepare to welcome her into this world. But with Brady, it was a brand new experience. I read books, watched videos, went to child-birth classes, talked to other dads…

When day came, I was as ready as can be. I’m emotional, and started crying about five minutes before he actually came out—and for a while after! What a celebration!

Both those events were great; and were made greater by the preparation that went into them!

In less than two weeks we celebrate the biggest event in history—the Incarnation. The event where God took human form, being born as a baby. We need to prepare to celebrate His coming.

   " And all people will see God's salvation. " (TNIV)

This is the goal of Jesus coming. Not to celebrate a holiday. Not to give and receive presents. Not to sing carols and eat great food.

Not to draw close to family and watch It’s a Wonderful Life. Not to decorate the tree and drink eggnog. These are all Christmas traditions; and they are wonderful.

But the goal is for all people to see God’s salvation!

When we prepare ourselves for the coming Jesus, we see Him more clearly, through all the distractions of modern Christmas. We celebrate Him, and not all the other stuff that Christmas has become about.

When we focus on Him and not all the cultural trappings of Christmas, we also help others see what Christmas is really about. While I love the joy of Christmas morning, I think I love this time of preparing, and looking, and expecting, almost as much.

Help me select a new blog title

It's been a long day--Brady was sick with a fever so I stayed home with him and Cash (I figure with Cash in preschool for 8 hours most days, I'd keep him at home with me, too).

Good day, but tiring.

I'm not going to attempt to write anything tonight...but I have been thinking that I don't like the title of my blog anymore. I have no new ideas, but want to brainstorm. Here are some words/ideas that go through my mind these days. I'm open to any and all suggestions--doesn't have to be a complete title, but even partial thoughts and ideas. Thanks!

asking, seeking, searching, learning, wondering, working, playing, wrestling...

not much tonight. I'll come back to it tomorrow.

Great fiction--newest Stephen King

I recently read Stephen King's latest novel, 11/22/63. It's about a guy who goes back in time to try and stop the JFK assassination. (More about this book later). But reading it, and thinking about it after, I was thinking about how I grew up with Stephen King.

OK, not literally, he has no idea who I am. But I grew up with him, or actually, his books. My memory continues to fade as I get older, but I remember my first King book--The Shining.

I was in seventh grade. I remember sitting in art class hiding my book under the table and reading--I couldn't put it down as I followed Jack Torrence's dark journey to insanity.

I remember being afraid to turn the lights out at night, as images of the Overlook Hotel filled my mind.

When I finished The Shining, I went to the library and read King's two other books at the time, Carrie, and Salem's Lot. Both were terrifying--yet fascinating.

It wasn't just about being scared. King drew me into the stories, into the lives, the towns, the relationships of the characters he created. They were just so real.

Since then, year in and year out, I have read every book King has published. Over 60 in the last 35 years. I remember the anticipation each time I learned a new book was coming.

I remember getting absolutely lost in the post-apocalyptic world of The Stand--still my favorite of King's books. I go back and read it again every few years.

I remember feeling like a kid again in Eyes of the Dragon, King's beautiful nod to the traditional fairy tale.

And every few years, for the last 30, I have traveled through Mid-World with Roland, on his quest in the Dark Tower series.

I remember the thrill of discovering there were more King books out there, secretly published under another name. I had one of the first editions of Thinner, published before people discovered Richard Bachman was King. I remember the excitement of finally getting a copy of The Bachman Books.

I have experienced joy, wonder, amazement, fear, anger, and peace as I lived through each of King's stories. 

I have had dozens of conversations over the years with people who think King only writes horror. I love telling people that don't read his work (especially those who piously say, "His stories are evil,") that he wrote the books on which the films Shawshank Redemption, Stand By Me, and The Green Mile were based.

Not horror or evil at all, but stories of love and loss and perseverance and beauty and life and death and hope. And that's the bottom line in all of King's stories. Hope. Hope that there is more to life than my pain and struggle. Hope that love really will conquer. Hope that good really will win out over evil.

If you have never read any of King's books, you are missing one of the greatest storytellers of our generation. Give him a shot, I promise you won't regret it.

Here is my current ranking (because it may change based on my mood) of my top 5 Stephen King books:

1. The Stand
2. The Talisman (written with Peter Straub)
3. The Shining
4. The Eyes of the Dragon
5. The Green Mile

Getting back to where I started, 11/22/63 is probably in my top 10; in time I'll be better able to assess it's place in the body of King's work. But right now, I think it's the best thing he's written in 15 years. While the premise sounds like science fiction, it's really a love story, and a very good one. And the conclusion is one of King's absolute best--a beautiful, haunting, perfect ending.

I'd love to hear from other King fans--what are your top 5?

God in our differences

So two months have gone by, and I haven't written a thing. Which means any readers that were hanging around are probably gone. I've promised and committed to start writing again too many times.

So I'll just say I'm writing today, and I may or may not write tomorrow. or next week.

I always struggle with what to write. Not because I don't have any ideas, and not because I don't know how to express them, but because in this world where everything is accessible, I do sometimes worry about how what I say will be taken by some.

When I peruse my friends list on Facebook, I see that I have an incredibly diverse group of people who I consider friends (or at least acquaintances, or people I'm interested in or curious about or respect or admire--or just like to see what crazy stuff they say).

I also work in a job where I network and build relationships with people from all over the landscape of American church life.

Recently I had two phone conversations at work--doing my job of networking and trying to get to know people and learn how Logos can help them,

The first conversation was with a gentlemen who works for a very conservative para-church ministry. They are very dogmatic, and somewhat controversial in their methods. Their faith perspective is very black and white.

I do not read the Bible the same way this gentleman does. He would probably consider some of my views heretical. I believe his heart is good, and that he longs to follow God, but I don't agree with some of the ways he perceives God, faith, salvation, and doctrine.

After I got off the phone with this gentlemen, I called a woman who teaches in a progressive seminary. She is an older African-American woman who has achieved a lot in ministry and education.

She told me some of her story, the things she has fought for, the adventures God has led her on. I loved listening to her, and felt a spiritual connection.

I'm pretty sure my theology is much closer to hers than to the gentleman I talked with earlier. Near the end of our conversation, after we had developed some trust and comfort with each other, she told me that she had googled me before we spoke, and that what she found helped her be open and trusting with me.

After we talked, I thought about that. I am pretty sure that if the first gentleman I spoke with had googled me, he would not have been very positive about some of what he found.

I once had a church revoke in invitation to serve as an interim pastor after reading some of my blog posts on religion and politics a couple years ago.

All this makes me cautious about what I say, knowing anyone could read it. I don't really care if people disagree with me personally, (although I want to make sure I am always communicating in love, and not judging those who disagree with me).

But I do want to be careful to not alienate people with whom I work and network.

I had a conversation today that spoke to this topic. A family member who is a talented musician was recently asked by a Catholic church to work there part-time providing music in worship.

Another family member became very upset when they heard this. I don't know what was said, but I think that this person has a very negative view of the Catholic church and was concerned for the other person's spiritual well-being if they did anything for or with a Catholic church. The second relative urged the first to not take the job.

This is the kind of stuff that makes me wonder. There are thousands of Christian denominations. Not hundreds, but THOUSANDS.

Each one believes that they honestly and accurately seek and follow God as directed by the Bible. Each one does it a little differently. There are a lot of smaller differences, and a lot of huge differences among churches and denominations.

I've written about this before, but it's still on my mind. I believe more and more that God is far more OK with our differences and disagreements than we are. I believe God is big enough and forgiving enough and patient enough and accepting enough to put up with all our conflict and confusion.

And personally, I believe he is OK with our questions and doubts and confusion; probably even more than he is with our certainty and dogmatism and determination.

My faith has more questions than answers these days.

I am dealing with this as we search for a church. This morning in worship, as we sang carols and hymns, I sensed God's spirit more than I have in a while.

Yesterday, at a day of training with my team at work--made up of conservatives and liberals (well, at least one--me), Calvanists and dispensationalists, baptists and sort-of-charismatics--I experienced God's presence.

I sensed his joy and laughter at this room full of very different people, with different views of God, working to get to know one another, learn from each other, and accomplish goals together.

I think God might be more present in our differences and diversity than He is in our uniformity and agreement.

back into baseball

Last Saturday I got back on the baseball field for the first time in over two months. I love umpiring baseball. It's a great part-time job, but I don't do it for the money. I do it because I love the game.

After time with my family--the baseball field is one of the places I most love. I love being on the field, under the sunshine, smelling the fresh grass, listening to the kids laugh and play and compete.

It's almost like I have a relationship with the game. I played baseball as a kid and loved it--but I wasn't going to have a long career (I was a great catcher, but a lousy hitter).

I umpired Little League when I was in high school, and really enjoyed it.

In my 30s, I decided to get back into it. I actually looked into going to professional umpiring school in Florida, but was told I was too old to ever make it to the majors. So Durwood Merrill, a retired MLB umpire, suggested I get into high school baseball.

I umpired for several years in Texas, and had a wonderful time. I had good training, and got really good at it. But in 2002 I moved back to Virginia. I intended to get into baseball there, but life got really busy, fast. I started working in a new ministry, met Jamie, and soon we were engaged.

A year later we were married, and soon after started having more kids. Baseball kept getting put on hold.

I remember driving home on spring evenings, and seeing the lights on at the baseball field at the local high school. Each time I felt a longing to be out on the field, in the game.

After seven years away from baseball, I finally got back into it when I was out of work and we needed any money I could earn.

I joined the local association and began working as much as I could. I got good training, and was soon getting as much work as I wanted. It was wonderful to be back on the field, working, learning, getting better.

I spent two years umpiring in Virginia. Again, I got good training, and developed a really good reputation. I got a lot of good games, including some good playoffs.

Then we decided to move to Washington, where I'm starting over again.

It went well Saturday. The games were fun, the weather perfect. I quickly felt comfortable, even after 2 months off the field.

So once again, I'm in a new chapter of life. We've found a home, and I'm settling into my job, and our routines with work and school. Hopefully baseball will be a part of that as we move forward in our new lives.

What I Do

I've spent most of my adult life in jobs that were pretty easy to explain--pastor, teacher, security guard, pizza delivery guy, baseball umpire...

But two months ago we moved to Washington where I got a job as a Ministry Development Negotiator for Logos Bible Software. I've had many conversations with friends and family members where I try to explain what that means. Heck, I didn't even really know what all it entailed until I was a couple weeks into the job!

So I'm going to take some time now to explain what I do. If you're not that interested, feel free to stop reading now.

First some background on Logos. You can read more detail here on the Logos website; and this video gives a good feel for what the company is like.

This video shows what Logos's products can do.

Logos makes an amazing product--it's not just Bible software (although it is the best Bible software out there), it is a huge library of over 17,000 resources, instantly available because of the incredible technology.

I wish I'd had Logos in seminary.

My department, Ministry Development, works primarily to connect with conferences, churches, and schools to present Logos to groups of people and show them how Logos can make a huge difference in their ministries and studies.

Logos has a publishing arm. Writers can publish their work digitally through Logos.

So what do I do? I co-lead a team of people who try to partner with organizations, setting up opportunities for Logos to present, sell, and train people to use Logos.

I spend a lot of time on the phone talking with pastors, professors, seminary deans, conference coordinators. Listening, getting to know them, helping show them how Logos can help them.

I write a lot of emails. I record a lot of data. I talk with members of my team, learning from each other, encouraging one another, laughing together.

I work most of the time with a guy who is both very different from me (he's conservative, I'm liberal. He's a talker, I'm a listener. He's a Cowboy fan, I'm a Redskin fan); but also somewhat similar. We love sports, movies, fatherhood, and have similar senses of humor.

I work long days; usually 9-10 hours. But I'm so busy, and there is so much variety, that most days go by very quickly. I always feel like I need to get more done, but I have done a good job of leaving work at the office and letting it go when I'm home.

I enjoy going to work in the mornings. I go in early--usually leave about 5:30--and listen to yesterday's Mike and Mike podcast as I drive.

I get off about 3/3:30, and pick up the kids from school. Twice a week we watch Ashley play soccer for her high school.

Life is busy and fun these days.

six weeks into the move

I'm still here. The last six weeks have been a whirlwind. I was talking with a good friend back home in Virginia a few days ago, and after I caught him up on everything we've done since moving to Washington, he was amazed.

I hadn't thought about how much change and activity such a transition involves; but after some reflection, I'm amazed at how much has happened in just 45 days...

We packed up everything we own and drove 3000 miles across the country. As Brady loves to tell, we drove through 11 states: Virginia, Tennessee, Kentucky, Illinois, Missouri, Kansas, Colorado, Wyoming, Montana, Idaho and Washington.

We unloaded almost everything into a storage facility, and took the essentials to Jamie's mother's house. I started work at Logos on July 25.

We went to the Logos company picnic in Fernwood--great time.

We went camping with a couple other families--wonderful time relaxing on the Nooksack River--tubing, cooking s'mores, riding 4-wheelers...

We went to two fairs--the Skagit County Fair, and the Northwest Washington Fair in Lyndon. We had a blast looking at horses and cows, eating great/awful fair food, listening to fun music and riding scary rides.


Ashley joined up with a local travel soccer team and played in a weekend tournament.

We enjoyed great food at A Taste of Bellingham.

We have visited three different churches so far.

Jamie has attended a wedding and a funeral.

We found a great daycare/preschool for Cash, and for Brady before and after school.

We got Brady enrolled at the only 5-day kindergarten in town.

We looked at several houses and found the perfect one. We signed a lease and move in Sept. 15!

Ashley tried out for soccer at Burlington-Edison High School and made the JV team. They are 1-1. She's a superstar.

I went to my first Mariners game when my friend Dale came up from Texas for a visit. They lost to the Angels 4-3.

We drove up Mt. Baker and played in the snow near the top on an 80 degree Saturday.

We got approved for the sale of our home back in VA, then found out our buyer lost his loan; so we're back on the market.

I have settled into my job, accomplishing some neat things, and getting more leadership responsibilities.

We are enjoying family here, missing family and friends in Virginia, loving the beauty and summer weather of the Northwest. It still hasn't really sunk in that we live here, but I'm sure it will over time.


I'm glad that I get to keep in touch with people--thanks for the encouragement.

A New Life

I'm three days into my new job at Logos Bible Software, and I'm really enjoying it. It's been a challenging week--I'm still getting used to west coast time and weather (absolutely perfect one day, cool and cloudy/rainy the next).

I've been fighting a cold all week--tired and congested--but I'm drinking tea nonstop and pushing through.

Work is going really well. I'm kind of on information overload; but excited about what I am learning, and about what I'm going to be doing. I will be searching for and connecting with people with conferences, churches, ministries, universities, seminaries, denominations--building relationships and looking for ways that Logos can partner with them and help people with Bible study, theological research, sermon prep, etc. The potential is huge to help people and help Logos achieve more.

I am working on a team with some great people--young and eager and fun to be around. I'm the old guy in the group, but as always, I never feel that much older.

We are getting settled into Jamie's mom's house, she has been very generous in giving us lots of space and helping us feel at home.

The boys are getting adjusted--having fun playing with their cousin Ira and getting to know some kids in the neighborhood.

It's been an eventful month--lots of stress, lots of fun, lots of change. But I am at peace. Each day I leave Logos and take a scenic drive down I-5, surrounded by beautiful mountains on both sides. I go home to an amazing family, and thank God for my fantastic life!

In Washington

The last three days have been kind of a blur and a whirlwind. Tuesday we arrived in Buffalo, Wyoming, to visit Jamie's sister Marty, her husband Harv, and their four kids. We had Elk and Antelope for dinner--really good! The boys had a blast playing with their cousins.

On Wednesday I left Buffalo, WY at 6 AM and drove 1030 miles to our new home in Burlington, WA. Long, long day; but a very beautiful drive. Montana was gorgeous; I've never seen such beautiful country. I took my time and stopped every couple hours to eat or fill the car.

Idaho was really beautiful as well. Eastern Washington reminded me of Kansas, pretty flat and not much to see, but I drove through it at sunset, so the sky was amazing.

It was a long day; I got into Burlington at 1 AM.

It was also a very emotional day. As I began, I reflected on everything we were leaving--our home, my family, friends, the boys' preschool, Ashley's school...and started to think, "What the heck are we doing?!"

The magnitude of the change we are going through fully hit me for the first time, and I was feeling pretty anxious. But after a while I calmed down, and started looking ahead. I thought about new opportunities for relationships, ministry, places to go and new things to do.

My anxiety eased and I began to feel something else--hope.
Hope that God is going to take care of us, even through all the confusion and uncertainty.
Hope that we will all get along well while staying with Grandma Vicki (who has been incredibly generous with her home).
Hope that we will find the right place to live.
Hope that Jamie will get a good working situation (transferring with Starbucks).
Hope that I will like and succeed at my job.
Hope that we will find a church that is right for all of us.
Hope that Ashley will like her new school and make good friends.
Hope that the boys will adjust, and that we'll find a preschool for Cash.
Hope that Brady will enjoy kindergarten.
Hope that we will build deeper relationships with family here.
Hope that we will enjoy a new life in a new place.

Thursday, my brother-in-law Chad and I met the mover and we unloaded the truck at the storage facility. One of the guys that we hired to help unload was a former professional wrestler named Mark Lewin. (For you wrestling fans, here's a video of Lewin wresting Ric Flair in the early 80s.)

I spent much of Thursday and Friday unpacking and putting my stuff away. I spent some time with Chad and Linde and their son Ira; Chad was a huge help these last couple days. Grandma Vicki had us all over for dinner Thursday.

Jamie and the boys got in late Friday night; it was a great reunion. Grandma gave everyone the tour of her house (she has done an incredible amount of work and sacrificed a lot so that we can have comfortable space for all of us).

We're still incomplete--Ashley will arrive from Texas on Wednesday. Then the whole family will begin our new life together in Washington!

One prayer request--we are all struggling with colds (my voice went out; I could hardly speak yesterday). Hoping to feel better when I start my new job Monday!

Day 5--Heat and Great Pie

The temperature as we crossed Kansas was 103. Yesterday we started in Hays, KS; crossed into Colorado; turned right at Denver and headed north. We stopped for the night in Cheyenne, Wyoming. Kansas may have some neat places and things to do and see, but none of them are near I-70. It was pretty flat and plain all the way across--about 400 miles.

I spent most of the day by myself in the Civic, with Jamie and Grandpa Lyle in the van with the boys. We stopped at a McDonald's and let the boys play and run around.

Once we got settled in the hotel in Cheyenne, Grandpa Lyle took us to dinner at the Village Inn, where they serve "The Best Pies in America." (They've even copyrighted the phrase.) It was really nice to get away from fast food and microwaved leftovers and eat a good meal around the table. Thanks, Grandpa!

The boys had a really good day yesterday, and everyone went to sleep pretty quickly.

Today we will drive about 4 hours to Buffalo, Wyoming, and visit Jamie's sister Marty, her husband Harv, and their four children.

Tomorrow (Wednesday) will get interesting. We found out yesterday the movers will be in Burlington Thursday morning. We had planned to arrive Thursday night, but are now altering the plan.

After spending the night in Buffalo, we are going to split up. I'm going to get up early Wednesday and drive straight through to Burlington, arriving there late Wednesday night.

Jamie, Grandpa Lyle, and the boys will take their time, stopping halfway for the night, and arriving in Burlington Thursday evening.

I'll miss everyone else for those two days, but will enjoy the alone time while driving!

So far we've driven 1881 miles. More than halfway!

Day 4--In the middle

We are in Kansas, right in the middle of the country, and about halfway to our new home. Got a slow start today--Cash woke up about 4 AM with a bad cough. We gave him a couple inhalers and we was able to go back to sleep.

We drove through the rest of Missouri and into Kansas. We had planned to go north at Kansas City, but there are some roads out because of flooding, so we are going west instead, all the way across Kansas, into Colorado, and north at Denver.

It was really hot today--almost 100. Kansas is flat, and not really exciting, but parts of it are pretty. A lot of it is still wide open; I thought of Laura Ingalls Wilder's Little House on the Prairie, and imagined that parts of what I saw probably looked the same as they did when the Ingalls built their home in the middle of the prairie.

We made it to Hays, KS, before stopping. Grandpa Lyle, the boys and I swam for a while, then we came in, ate, and everyone went to bed.

Everyone is getting a little tired and grumpy from the traveling, and being cooped up in the van and hotel rooms together. Jamie and I take turns driving the Civic--that gives us a little alone time.

I'm hoping tomorrow we can kind of take it easy, and try to make it halfway to Buffalo, Wyoming, where we will visit Jamie's sister Marty and her family, hopefully on Tuesday.

I had a great conversation with Ashley tonight; she is visiting her father's family in Texas. She had a great time at a wedding yesterday, and is now spending some time with her grandmother. We all miss her and can't wait for her to rejoin us in Washington!

Move--Day 3

Fading fast; long day. Got up and had breakfast (Krispy Kremes) with Grandma Dorothy (my grandmother) in Nashville, then hit the road--up through Northwest TN, into Kentucky, Illinois, and Missouri.

It was great seeing Grandma, but hard saying goodbye.

We had lunch at a Steak 'n Shake in Illinois, then found a park to play in for a while. The boys did great.

We were hoping to make it to Kansas City, but didn't. We stopped in Kingdom City, about about 140 miles short. Try to make up some distance tomorrow.

Jamie fixed a great dinner with leftover brisket and chili; we swam a little in the hotel pool, now off to bed.

Enjoying the driving, but I'm tired.

Cross country, day 2

(Reprinted from our family blog)

After a challenging few days, we are finally on the road. I think the last 10% of our stuff took longer to pack than the first 90%. We had help from several friends, and Grandpa Lyle (Jamie's dad) was a huge help. With the help of some friends, we finished up at our house at about 2 AM Thursday morning, went to my parents' house to sleep, and left Northern VA about 2 PM that afternoon.

Saying goodbye to my parents was really hard. As we all began hugging, Cash went up to Grandma Helen and said, "I'm going to miss you so much." Everyone started crying. I am so thankful for Mom and Jerry!

We drove to Wytheville, VA the first day and spent the night at a Comfort Inn. It was a nice drive--I was by myself in the Civic (well, the cat was with me), while Jamie, Grandpa Lyle and the boys were in the van. I got caught up on Mike and Mike and Stuck in the 80's podcasts.

We stopped at a rest area and played baseball; then had a nice dinner at Cracker Barrel.

I saw a beautiful sight while driving around Blacksburg. The sun was going down in the distance, the sky was full of different shades of reds and yellows. Jamie, Lyle and the boys were ahead of me in the van. At one point they were the only vehicle in my sight, driving up a hill with the sunset as background, they drove under a bridge that framed them like a beautiful piece of art.

Today we got up and had breakfast at the hotel, then hit the road. This time I was in the van with Grandpa Lyle and the boys; Jamie drove the Civic. We stopped a few times for gas and food and restrooms, and got to Nashville late in the afternoon.

We had a wonderful dinner with Grandma Dorothy and Aunt Sheila, then came back to the hotel where I took the boys swimming. Everyone is in bed; I'm going to follow soon.

Tomorrow we hope to get to Columbia, MO.

What I leave behind

For about the fourth time in my life, I begin a new chapter, a new season. The first was going into the army after high school. The second was moving to Texas after college. I spent ten years in Texas, teaching, umpiring baseball, doing ministry, growing up, having fun.

The third was leaving my life in Texas and going back to Virginia, to a new job, some old friends, my parents, and a new role--husband and father.

Now, nine years after beginning this chapter, I start a new one. Moving as far as possible while still being in the continental US--2,837 miles to Burlington, WA. I've written, and will write more, about why we are going, what I will be doing there, etc.

But today, I write about what I leave behind. Why, even though I am excited about the new adventure, leaving Virginia is probably the hardest thing I've ever done.

Nine years ago, when I left Fort Worth, that was the most difficult change I'd ever made. This is bigger, harder, more challenging. Nine years ago I was single, and was going home. I loved Texas, and enjoyed my decade there, but while leaving many friends and my church, I was coming home--to my parents, my college friends, the place where I grew up.

Now I leave for a place that I have enjoyed visiting, but has never been home. I've spent 34 of my 46 years in Virginia. I left twice (for the Army, and grad school), but always come back. I probably won't come back to Virginia this time (except to visit). Of course nothing is certain, but it there's a good chance that this is my last big move.

We'll probably raise our boys in Washington. When Cash graduates high school, I'll be 60.

So this parting seems bigger. More permanent. The things I leave behind are things I will probably never come back to, except to visit.

I will miss Virginia, the place. The trees, parks, beaches, mountains.

I will miss the places I love to eat. I will miss Hard Times Cafe, and Carrabba's, Fat Tuesday's, Penny Lane, and ice cream at Gary's and Carl's.

I will miss DC--the stadiums, the museums, the history.

I will miss downtown Fredericksburg, a place I used to walk around with my dad.

I will miss driving through Dale City, where I grew up.

I will miss the campus at GMU, where I spent 4 years as a student, then another 4 as a campus pastor.

I will miss the churches in Virginia that have impacted me--Parkwood Baptist, FBC-Alexandria, New Hope Church, Convergence, Waterford Baptist Church, and Little River Baptist Church.

I will miss Leland, where I learned to think about God and theology in ways that finally made sense to me. Where I made great friends and had wonderful discussions.

I will miss Kings Dominion, where I laughed and played as a teenager, and where I experienced joys of fatherhood while riding and swimming and laughing with my children.

I will miss Northfork Camp in Front Royal--camping out, swimming and tubing on the river, relaxing by the fire with my parents, my wife, and my kids.

I will miss the house I grew up in. My mother and step-dad are still there, 38 years after we first moved in. I walked through the house the other day, looking at the room I grew up in. The walls that were covered with my posters, the window that looked out at my elementary school. Wherever I have gone, that house has always been home.

And I will miss this house where I now sit, writing in the dark. The first house that Jamie and I moved into together. Where our two boys first lived. I will miss the gravel roads, and the trees, and the lake where I first took our boys swimming. I will miss the backyard where we have had cookouts and picnics, played baseball and burned leaves.

I will miss this house which has become home over the last seven years.

But more than any of this, I will miss people. I will miss the people who have encouraged me and supported me; some over the past nine years, some for much longer.

I will miss my basketball buddies--Kenny, Andy, and Johnny (and more recently, Mark and Jerry). For ten years we have cheered the Patriots at almost every home game. We traveled to Richmond each spring to watch GMU in the CAA conference tournament. Those weekends were some of the best of my life.

I will miss my Leland friends--too many to name--but especially Josh, Tom, Seth and April.

Dozens of fantastic ministers I met and worked with through NorthStar and its churches...

Dear friends through New Hope and Convergence...

Teachers I enjoyed working with at North Stafford and Mountain View...

Great guys I got to know through umpiring in northern VA...

And some who have been there for much longer than this last season in Virginia--Dan, Elise, Mike, Rusty, Bryan--people I have been close to for half my life or more.

My brother Eric, with whom I've grown closer over the years; I'll miss our times talking, eating, and watching UFC together.

My step-brother and step-sister, and their families--people I love and enjoy seeing when we can.

And of course, most of all, Mom and Jerry, who have loved me unconditionally, who have supported and encouraged us, and always been there for us. It will be strange to live so far from them, and I will miss them terribly.

Next week I leave many of the people and places and things that have made me who I am. I am already grieving over that. I have shed a few tears and know I will shed more in the days to come. But I am also excited to take all of that with me, to a new town, a new job, new ministries, new relationships, and new opportunities.

And the sadness over leaving is made a little easier knowing that God, and the people closest to me, most important to me--my bride and my three amazing children--will be with me through this new adventure.